28_Extra_English_Christmas

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Narrative

 

Christmas music

 

ANNIE

Mmm. I love this time of year! Sleigh bells, mince pies, presents under the tree!

 

HECTOR

What? Easter?

 

ANNIE

No, silly! Christmas!

 

HECTOR

Oh!!

 

ANNIE

I’m going to show you what a traditional English Christmas is like, starting with – mistletoe.

 

HECTOR

Mistle-toe?

 

ANNIE

It’s an English tradition.

When you stand under it, you can kiss someone.

 

HECTOR

But – I am not under any mistletoe.

 

ANNIE

You are now.

 

HECTOR

Oh-ho-ho!!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, you poor things! You’re stuck together again. Don’t worry, I can help! There, panic over!

Right, I’m off.

 

ANNIE

What? Another television party?

 

BRIDGET

Not a party, three more parties. And that’s just tonight.

 

ANNIE

But you’ve been to a Christmas party every night for two weeks!

 

BRIDGET

I know, it’s so difficult being so popular. First, there’s a champagne party at the Savoy, then at nine o’clock I’ll get a taxi to the Ritz and get changed on the way.

 

HECTOR

What? In the taxi?

 

BRIDGET

Naturally.

 

HECTOR

Ho-ho-ho.

 

BRIDGET

And then at eleven thirty I’ll get a taxi to Annabel’s.

 

HECTOR

Annabel, who is she?

 

BRIDGET

Annabel’s, the night club.

 

HECTOR

Will you change your clothes in the taxi again?!

 

BRIDGET

And there I hope I will meet a young, handsome man, an early Christmas present!

 

Sound of door slamming

 

NICK

I hate Christmas!

 

BRIDGET

Did you have a bad day at the grotto dear?

 

NICK

Ha-hmm!

 

ANNIE

Nick, is that snow?

 

NICK

No.

 

ANNIE

Well, what’s that on your beard then?

 

NICK

I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly – ergh! Ha, Christmas!

 

ANNIE

But children love Christmas.

 

NICK

Hmm.

 

BRIDGET

Is the money good?

 

 

NICK

N-Yeah.

 

BRIDGET

Well, stop complaining then!

 

NICK

S-sss!

 

ANNIE

Hector and I are going to have a lovely Christmas, aren’t we Hector.

 

HECTOR

Mmm.

 

BRIDGET

Christmas is all about parties and PRESENTS!

 

ANNIE

So Bridget, have you got your Christmas stocking ready?

 

HECTOR

Ha! She’s taking her stockings off in the taxi!

 

NICK

Ahh! Ha-hmm-hmm.

 

BRIDGET

… Don’t wait up.

 

Sound of door closing

 

HECTOR

Erm, what is a Christmas stocking?

 

ANNIE

On Christmas Eve, you hang up your Christmas stocking and a big, jolly Father Christmas comes and fills it up with presents!

 

NICK

Ho-ho-ho.

 

Crashing noise/scream

 

BRIDGET

Who put that sleigh there?!!

 

NICK

Ooh! My sleigh! I forgot. Oh-oh-oh!

 

Sound of running footsteps/door slams/Christmas music

 

BRIDGET

Mind my leg. Oh!!

 

 

 

Assorted background noises

 

BRIDGET

Right, right. Whoa-whoa, not too fast! Oh, I feel terrible!

 

ANNIE

Oh, poor Bridget, are you in pain?

 

BRIDGET

No, but what about the parties? I can’t go like this!

 

NICK

I could take you dancing!

 

BRIDGET

Ow!!

Christmas is cancelled!

 

Sound of cracker being pulled

 

NICK

Hey, hee-hee-hee!

 

HECTOR

Is that it?

 

NICK

Yeah, crackers are great!

 

HECTOR

So, what else do you have at Christmas?

 

NICK

Oh, turkey, Christmas pudding, mince pies.

 

HECTOR

Mince pies.

How do you make them?

 

NICK

Oh, it’s just pastry and mincemeat.

 

HECTOR

Mince meat?

 

NICK

Yeah, it’s traditional, it’s sultanas, raisins and spices. It’s mince …

 

HECTOR

… Meat.

 

NICK

Yeah, ah-hah … Hey, listen to this, what do you get if you cross a chicken with a clock?

 

HECTOR

I don’t know.

 

NICK

An alarm cluck!

An alarm cluck! Ha-ha!

 

HECTOR

I don’t get it.

 

NICK

An alarm cluck! Cluck-cluck-cluck, one a cluck, two a cluck, cluck-cluck-cluck!

 

HECTOR

A clock?!

 

Christmas music

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Oh, I love Christmas. Mince pies, mistletoe.

 

HECTOR

Mistle-toe?

 

ANNIE

It’s an English tradition, when you stand under it, you can kiss someone.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Poor Nick is having a difficult time playing Father Christmas.

 

NICK

I was holding this baby – coo-goo-goo-goo, when suddenly … !

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Those naughty children! He-he-he!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

I hate Christmas! I had so many exciting parties to go to.

 

BRIDGET

It’s so difficult being so popular.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

But stupid Nick left his stupid sleigh in the hall.

 

NICK

Oh, my sleigh! I forgot!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

I fell over it and broke my leg!

 

Crashing noise/scream

 

Christmas music

 

HECTOR

Boom-dikka-ding-boom-ding-ding-ding – right, mince pies!

First, the pastry! And now the minced meat from the best butcher!

 

 

Christmas music

 

HECTOR

Mmm, they smell good, don’t they Charley.

 

Sound of door opening/closing

 

ANNIE

Phew! Well I’ve finished all my Christmas shopping.

 

HECTOR

Oh madam! Refreshment? Mince pie?

 

ANNIE

Mince pies? Oh Hector, you are clever.

 

HECTOR

I followed the rec-eep.

 

ANNIE

… ‘p’.

 

HECTOR

Mince ‘p’?

 

ANNIE

No, no, no. Rec-ipe.

 

HECTOR

Oh, rec-ipe.

 

ANNIE

Mmm.

 

HECTOR

Hmm.

 

ANNIE

Umm.

 

HECTOR

Good choice, madam. Merry Christmas!

 

ANNIE

Yuk!!

 

HECTOR

Something wrong?

 

ANNIE

It’s dal-icious, delicious ahm. Erm, you know, Hector, Christmas is all about sharing. Erm, would you like some, Charley?

 

ANNIE & HECTOR

Hmm/Mmm/Umm.

 

 

ANNIE

Hey, it’s Saint Nicholas!

 

NICK

Oh!

 

HECTOR

Nick, what happened to your beard?

 

NICK

Ah, one Christmas candle, one small child – woomph!

 

Laughter

 

NICK

Hey, mince pies, yummy, yeah!

 

HECTOR

With best mince from the best butcher. Mmm.

 

ANNIE

Erm, Hector.

 

HECTOR

Hmm?

 

ANNIE

What did you put in the pies?

 

HECTOR

Mince meat – from the best butcher.

 

ANNIE

This is mincemeat. This is minced meat.

 

HECTOR

Isn’t it the same thing?

 

ANNIE

Not quite.

 

NICK

Ha-ha! Delicious!

 

ANNIE

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s make this a special Christmas, just for Bridget.

 

Sound of knocking on door/Christmas music

 

MALE NURSE

Night-night.

 

ANNIE

Hey Bridget, do you want to come carol singing?

HECTOR

Who is Carol?

 

ANNIE

Carols are Christmas songs. You knock on people’s doors and sing to them for money.

 

NICK

Let’s do it! Hmm!

 

ANNIE

For charity!

For poor little children.

 

NICK

Huh!

 

ANNIE

Some children have no Christmas.

 

BRIDGET

Just like me.

 

ANNIE

And your job as Santa Claus is so important.

You help children to believe in Christmas!

 

NICK

Yes, you’re right, Annie, I do.

My job is important! I help children to believe!!

 

Christmas music

 

ANNIE

Right, let’s go!

 

BRIDGET

I’ll go, only if we can sing Abba songs.

 

HECTOR

And that will make you happy? Here, have a mince pie.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, all right.

 

Christmas music

 

BRIDGET

Ugh!

 

BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK

“Away in a manger …”

 

OFF SCREEN VOICE

Dog in a manger, more like, good night!

 

BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK

“Silent night …”

 

OFF SCREEN VOICE

I wish you were, all night!

 

BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK

“We Three Kings of Orient are … one on a scooter, one in a car ….”

 

OFF SCREEN VOICE

Get lost!

 

BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK

“Merrily on high …”

 

OFF SCREEN VOICE

Get ‘em Gnasher.

 

Sound of dog barking

 

BRIDGET, HECTOR, ANNIE & NICK

“O Come All Ye Faithful, joyful and triumph …”

 

Sound of dogs barking

 

BRIDGET

[Voice fades into background singing ‘O Come All Ye Faithful]

 

Christmas music

 

HECTOR

Hi Annie, I like the tree.

 

ANNIE

Oh thank you, it’s nearly finished.

 

HECTOR

Please, use these. My decorations.

 

ANNIE

Oh, sweet, Hector. Are they from Argentina?

 

HECTOR

No, Oxford Street. Aren’t they great!

 

ANNIE

Oh, great.

 

Sound of door opening/closing

 

ANNIE

Oh, hi Nick. How was your last day as Santa Claus?

 

NICK

Great! Such nice children. One of them let me play with his binoculars!

ANNIE

Really.

 

NICK

Oh, and I’ve just finished my Christmas shopping.

 

ANNIE

But the shops are shut now.

 

NICK

No, the petrol station was open. Look I’ve bought my mum this.

 

HECTOR

A map of Watford.

 

ANNIE

But your mum doesn’t live in Watford.

 

NICK

Oh I know. She might go there one day, though! I bought shampoo for my sister.

 

HECTOR

Car shampoo.

 

NICK

Yeah, and after shave for my dad. Ha-ha-ha! Mmm.

I like the tree. Ooh, but I love these! Hey, I’ve got some too, it was the last day of the grotto today, so they were throwing these away. Ha-ha, can you believe it! Ha-ha!

 

Christmas music

 

ANNIE

No!

 

Christmas music

 

HECTOR & NICK

Perfect.

 

ANNIE

Well, it might make Bridget laugh.

 

HECTOR

Why?

 

ANNIE

I know, if Bridget can’t go to her parties, let’s have a party here!

 

NICK

When?

 

ANNIE

Oh, I don’t know. In about fifteen minutes!

 

BRIDGET

Oh! Oh! Look at the Christmas tree!

ANNIE

I know. It makes me want to cry too.

 

BRIDGET

What’s the point of having Christmas if I can’t go to my Christmas party?! Now Christmas just makes me cry!

 

HECTOR

Oh, Bridget, cheer up. Tomorrow is Christmas Day.

 

BRIDGET

[Sound of crying]

 

HECTOR

Have you got your stocking?

 

BRIDGET

Yes.

NICK

Hah, yes, and I’ve got mine!

 

ANNIE

What are you hoping for? A motor bike?

 

NICK

Ye-es! Why not?

 

BRIDGET

The only thing that will make this Christmas worse is if you invited all my friends round for a surprise party to cheer me up.

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

ANNIE

Ah.

 

ASSORTED VOICES

Surprise!!

 

BRIDGET

Oh!!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Hector made us mince pies.

 

HECTOR

And now the mince meat, from the best butcher!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

The problem is, he used minced meat, instead of mincemeat.

 

ANNIE

Yuk!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Oh well! He did try!

 

HECTOR

They smell good, don’t they Charley.

 

HECTOR, NICK, BRIDGET & ANNIE

“Silent Night …”

 

NICK [Composing email]

To cheer Bridget up, we went carol singing.

 

ANNIE, NICK, BRIDGET & HECTOR

“We Three Kings of Orient are … one on a scooter, one in a car …”

 

OFF SCREEN VOICE

Good night!

 

NICK [Composing email]

People loved us!

 

BRIDGET

“Joyful and triumph …”

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I also organized a surprise party for Bridget, she was surprised!

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

ANNIE

Ah.

 

ASSORTED VOICES

Surprise!!

 

BRIDGET

No-oo!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Tomorrow is Christmas Day and Bernard is coming for lunch. What fun!

 

Christmas music/sound of knocking on door

 

ANNIE

Hang on, I’m coming!

 

BERNARD

Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas!

 

ANNIE

Oh, hello Bernard, merry Christmas.

I’m sorry, we had a little party last night.

BERNARD

Erm, I’m here for dinner.

 

ANNIE

Isn’t it a bit early?

 

BERNARD

Ten o’clock, time for a sherry.

 

ANNIE

Bernard, where’s your mother?

 

BERNARD

At church.

 

Sound of TV being switched on

 

ANNIE

Well I’ll just go and get dressed.

 

Christmas music

 

NICK

“To Bernard, Love from Annie.” Ha-ha.

 

BERNARD

Sherry. Thanks, Annie. Nearly finished this one.

 

NICK

“To Bridget, Love from Annie.”

 

BRIDGET

A – a flea collar. I haven’t got fleas!

 

ANNIE

I’m sorry, Bridget, wrong label. It was meant for Charley!

 

NICK

Hah! Is she sure it was meant for Charley?! Ha-ha! “To Bridget, from Hector.” Ooh!

 

BRIDGET

Oh thank you Hector, you shouldn’t have. What to Wear at Christmas Parties. Oh!!

 

HECTOR

I bought it before you …

 

BRIDGET

I’ve got a little something for you, Nick.

 

NICK

Whoo-hoo, goody! ‘Gorilla – because you are the original man.’ Whoo, ha-ha, it smells like a gorilla.

 

BRIDGET

Well, you should know.

NICK

Ooh, I wonder what this could be. Ah.

 

HECTOR

Merry Christmas, sugar plum.

 

ANNIE

Merry Christmas, snugly-puppykins.

One heart, forever.

 

BRIDGET

This will stop it!

 

ANNIE

Bridget, nothing will stop my love for Hector.

 

Sound of coughing

 

ANNIE

Well …

 

Christmas music/sound of knocking on door

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

I just called to say Merry Christmas!

Ah! Mmm!

 

Christmas music

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Ah! Hector, Mmm.

Bridget, what has happened to you?

 

BRIDGET

I had an accident.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, what a pity! You’ve missed some fabulous parties, especially at the Beckhams. Elton John, he’s a very naughty boy! Ha! Still, never mind, there is always next year. OK, must dash. Off to a top restaurant for lunch.

 

BRIDGET

Erm, Eunice.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Yes.

 

BRIDGET

Before you go, have a mince pie. Nick.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh.

 


Spraying noise

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, I shouldn’t.

But, it’s Christmas.

 

BERNARD

It’s true, there is a Santa!

And she’s a woman! Wait for me!

I want to tell you what I really want for Christmas!

 

NICK

Ha-ha-ha!

 

HECTOR

Hey, can you smell something?

 

NICK

Yeah. Is something burning?!

 

HECTOR

Ah, I forgot – the turkey!

 

Christmas music/assorted noises/shouting

 

HECTOR

Water, water, we need water!

Not on me! On the turkey!

 

NICK

Oooh!

 

Assorted noises/shouting

 

HECTOR

Move! Move!

 

Assorted noises/shouting

 

HECTOR

There, the fire is out.

 

NICK

Anyone for turkey?!

 

ANNIE

Shall we just have pudding?

 

BRIDGET

Erm, no mince pies, thanks.

 

HECTOR

Oh, I have another surprise for you. Another English Christmas tradition. Chocolate log. One slice or two?

 

Christmas music/sound of sawing

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Nick wants to join the SAS, Bridget and Annie train the boys for action and why is Hector home so late?

 

ANNIE

Hello, Hector!

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

 

EXTRA, don’t miss it!

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