26_Extra_English_Alibi

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Narrative

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please?

 

ANNIE

So we went to the restaurant and it was a very good vegetarian restaurant and I had the peppers and Hector had the mushrooms, which was very nice because Hector doesn’t like mushrooms, so I said to him that it was good for him to try.

 

BRIDGET

Annie!

 

ANNIE

Oh, and then afterwards, we went for a lovely walk and it was such a beautiful evening, and the birds were singing…

 

BRIDGET

Annie! Will you shut up!

 

ANNIE

Sorry.

 

BRIDGET

You have been talking non-stop for twenty minutes.

 

ANNIE

I know. It’s, it’s because I’m doing a sponsored silence for the charity Pigs With No Parents.

 

BRIDGET

Sponsored silence. So why are you talking?

 

ANNIE

Well, it doesn’t start till 10 o’clock so if I talk a lot now, then I won’t have to talk later. Anyway, what’s wrong with your mouth?

 

BRIDGET

Oh, er, nothing.

 

ANNIE

Have you got a spot? Oh! I’ll call an ambulance.

 

BRIDGET

No, but I am going to see my beautician later.

 

ANNIE

What for?

BRIDGET

Oh, just for a check-up.

 

 

ANNIE

A check-up? But you go to the dentist for a check-up, for your teeth.

 

BRIDGET

Exactly. I’m going to the beautician’s to check…

 

ANNIE

Check that you’re beautiful?

 

BRIDGET

Of course not. I don’t have to check I’m beautiful, do I.

 

NICK

Oooh!

 

HECTOR

Hey, Nick, do you like my new clothes, huh? Nick!

 

NICK

Ohhhhhh!

 

HECTOR

Nick! What is the matter? You can tell me. Oh, you have a toothache. Then if you have a toothache, you must go to the den…..

 

NICK

Aaaarrrghhh!

 

HECTOR

Can’t I say the word ‘den….? OK, I won’t say the ‘D’ word. I call him, erm, plumber. OK, so when did you last see the plumber?

 

NICK

Ah-ah?

 

HECTOR

That’s not too bad, five months ago.

Five years ago? No?

When you were five years old?

 

NICK

Ah-ah-ah.

 

HECTOR

Whoo-hoo-hoo. It’s going to be a big job. He’ll need a big drill. Come on! The girls must know a good plumber. Come on! Do you want a sweetie? Do you want a sweetie? Uh-uh-uh, sweets are bad for your teeth. Come on.

 

NICK

Ah-ah-ah!

 

 

HECTOR

Oh, hi, sugar-plum.

 

ANNIE

Hello, snuggly-puppykins. Ooh! Nice clothes. New?

 

HECTOR

Yeah, thanks.

 

ANNIE

Is Nick rehearsing for the pantomime?

 

 

HECTOR

No, he has a toothache so he must see the plumber.

 

ANNIE

No, no, no, Hector. For a toothache, he must see the dentist.

 

NICK

Whaaaaahhhh!

 

HECTOR

Shh, shh, shh! I know that, but Nick doesn’t like the ‘D’ word.

 

ANNIE

Oh, dentist.

 

NICK

Ah-ah-ah!

HECTOR

So I’m calling the dentist a plumber. So do you know a good plumber?

 

BRIDGET

A plumber? What for?

 

ANNIE

Nick has toothache.

 

BRIDGET

Well, he doesn’t need a plumber. He needs a dentist.

 

NICK

Aaah!

 

Sound of dentist’s drill

 

ANNIE

Yes, Hector, we have the number of a very good plumber – Julian.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, Julian! He’s so gentle.

 

ANNIE

He’s so married! Oh, hi, Julian. Listen, we have an emergency here. What are the symptoms? Oh, shaking, squealing…, yeah, just a toothache.

You can? Oh, thank you! Bye!

Sorted. He’ll see Nick now.

 

HECTOR

OK, come on, Nick. Come on. Come on, Nick. Come on, Nick.

Assorted groaning noises/sound of door slamming

 

BRIDGET

Julian looked in my mouth once. He said, “Bridget, you’ve got wonderful teeth.”

 

ANNIE

With a mouth that big, I’m surprised he didn’t fall in!

Sound of telephone ringing

 

BRIDGET

Hello? Who’s this? Bernard?

 

 

BRIDGET [In flashback]

Oh! Hello, Bernard.

 

ANNIE

Oh, hello, Bernard. You’ve been what? Robbed? When? When you were in the bath? All your clothes? And your keys? Oh, poor Bernard. Listen, you must call the police, OK? OK. Bye.

Poor Bernard. It’s ten o’clock! My sponsored silence starts now.

 

NICK [Composing email]

Oh, I’ve got a toothache. I don’t want to go to the – dentist, but Hector says I must go.

 

HECTOR

He’ll need a big drill.

 

NICK

Arrrghhh!

 

HECTOR

Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

NICK

Owwww!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

This morning I started my sponsored silence for the charity Pigs With No Parents.

ANNIE

If I talk a lot now, then I won’t have to talk later.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I won’t have to speak, because Bridget has gone to see a beautician.

 

ANNIE

Have you got a spot?

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Oh!! It was urgent!!

 

ANNIE

I’ll call an ambulance!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

You won’t believe this, but our neighbour Bernard has had all his clothes stolen.

 

ANNIE

All your clothes? And your keys?

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I wonder who could have done such a terrible thing?

Poor Bernard! I told him he must call the police.

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor? Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please? Why not? You can’t speak, I’m sorry. Oh, you can speak.

Are you trying to be funny with me, young lady? I no speak for, hmm, one word, three syllables. First syllable – sit. Seat? Chair? Second syllable – A, E, I, I, Tea. Chair-I-Tea. Chair-i-tea?

You’re being silent for charity! Ah, but which charity? Cow? Dog? Cat?

Pig? Got it! Pigs Without Parents!

 

HECTOR

Is this man bothering you, Annie? Because if he is, I am going to show him some Argentinean….

 

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Detective David Hunt of the Metropolitan Police.

 

HECTOR

…respect.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

And you are?

 

HECTOR

Hector Romero.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Ah, I suspect you’re not English, eh?

 

HECTOR

He is a very good detective.

 

NICK

Ha-ha-ha!

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

And you are?

 

NICK

[ …Unintelligible …]

HECTOR

He’s just been to see the plumber.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

The plumber?

 

HECTOR

Yes, he had a toothache.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

But you don’t go to the plumber when you’ve got a toothache.

You go to the den….

 

HECTOR

Biscuit?

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Den….

Anyway, I’m here to investigate a robbery of Bernard Reynolds.

 

HECTOR

Huh! Somebody has stolen Bernard!

 

NICK

Ha-ha-ha-ha!!

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

It’s not a robbery. Bernard Reynolds’ clothes!

 

HECTOR

Oh, who would want Bernard’s clothes?

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

So I’m investigating everybody in the building, because someone has stolen Bernard Reynolds’ clothes. Where were you last night?

 

 

HECTOR

I was with Annie. Annie?

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Oh, it’s OK. She can’t speak for chair-I-tea! Anyway, what about Nwiff?

 

NICK

Huh? Well, I [Assorted noises].

 

HECTOR

Show me, Nick.

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

HECTOR

Ah! I went to Leo’s Bar…

 

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

HECTOR

I had a beer…

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

HECTOR

There was a beautiful girl…

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

HECTOR

And a motorbike?

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

You were with a young woman on a motorbike? Motorbike. Registration?

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Name of the young woman?

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

HECTOR

Oh, he wasn’t with her.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Ah! The young woman was on television on a motorbike!

 

HECTOR & NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

I saw that! Very nice! Gee, I’m getting good at this.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Anyway, I was being silent and there was a knock on the door.

 

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Bridget Evans? Annie Taylor?

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

It was a policeman, a detective!

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Detective David Hunt from the Metropolitan Police. Could I have a word with you, please?

ANNIE [Composing email]

Unfortunately, I could not speak, because of my sponsored silence.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Chair-i-Tea?

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

And worse still, I had to tell him why.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Got it! ‘Pigs Without Parents!’

 

NICK

Oh!!

 

NICK [Composing email]

When Hector and I came back from the dentist – [oww!] – a policeman was waiting for us. He wanted to know where I was last night. [Uh-oh!] … .. .. …. Huh? Oh, well, I … … … .. Ow!

Anyway, Hector managed to translate for me, unfortunately!

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Motorbike. Registration?

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Name of the young woman?

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

Sound of knocking on door

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Oh, there you are!

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Oh, hello, Mr Reynolds.

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Well, have you caught them?

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Who?

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

The robbers.

The robbers who stole my clothes.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Ah, yes. My investigations are going very well.

 

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

[Makes loud sneezing noise]

 

HECTOR

Oh, you have a cold, Bernard? Oh, you need some clothes?

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

What a week!

First Mum went away to play bingo all weekend!

 

HECTOR

Bingo?

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Two fat ladies, 88.

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Clickety-click, 66. Well, anyway, and then someone stole my clothes.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Bingo!

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Ah, Digestives! My favourite.

Sound of door opening

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Aha! You must be Miss Evans.

 

HECTOR

And this is Sherlock Holmes!

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Bridget, I’d like to ask you a few questions.

 

BRIDGET

Bernard’s wearing my dressing gown! What are you staring at?

 

HECTOR

Nothing.

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Is there something wrong with your top lip?

 

BRIDGET

No.

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Yes, there is. It’s bright red.

BRIDGET

It doesn’t show, does it?

 

 

HECTOR & BERNARD

No, no, no.

 

BRIDGET

They told me in the salon no one would notice! [Sound of Bridget blowing her nose]. Thank you.

I wanted perfect lips, but I didn’t have enough money, so a student did them.

 

HECTOR

What, a butcher student?

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

There, there. You’re still very pretty.

 

BRIDGET

Am I? Really?

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Really. Where were you last night?

 

BRIDGET

Looking in the mirror.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

All night?

 

BRIDGET

Yes, all night.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

How can anyone spend all night looking at themselves in the mirror?

 

NICK

[Assorted noises].

 

HECTOR

Oh, Bridget would.

 


DETECTIVE HUNT

So let me summarise everybody’s alibis.

Annie is doing a sponsored silence for ‘Pigs With No Parents.’ She would not have had time to take Bernard’s clothes. And what’s more, Bernard’s clothes would be too big for her.

Hmm, Nwiff was watching ‘Babes and Bikes’ on television. I watched that too, so he may be telling the truth.

Bridget was looking at herself in the mirror all night. Huh! An unlikely story.

However, if I accuse her, she’ll start crying again and I can’t stand hysterical women.

Which brings me to Hector.

Hector’s wearing a terrible suit. It looks stolen.

Nobody would buy it, surely.

And his only alibi is Annie, and guess what?

She can’t speak!

But the clues do speak!

Hunt, you’re a genius!

I think that someone here is not telling the truth and I think that someone is you!

 

HECTOR

But I told you: I was with Annie.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Annie hasn’t said she was with you.

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

That’s true.

 

 

HECTOR

She can’t speak. She is doing a sponsored silence for chair-I-tea.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

It doesn’t matter. Did you go out at all?

 

HECTOR

Yes.

DETECTIVE HUNT

Where?

 

HECTOR

Shopping.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Shopping? For what?

 

HECTOR

Some new clothes.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

These new clothes? Now let me get this straight. You need some new clothes and Mr Reynolds’ clothes have been stolen. So what does that tell me?

 

HECTOR

Yes, but I…

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Why buy new clothes when you can steal somebody else’s?

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Yeah!

 

ANNIE

Oooh!! Do these look like Bernard’s clothes?

 

HECTOR, BRIDGET, NICK & DETECTIVE HUNT

Ooooh!!

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

They could be. My colour.

 

ANNIE

Oh no! I spoke! You! You made me speak!

 

BRIDGET, NICK & HECTOR

Oooh!

 

Sound of telephone ringing

 

BRIDGET

Hello? Yes, he’s here. I’ll get him. Bernard? It’s your mother.

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Hello, Mum. You’re back. How was bingo?

Mum, someone stole my clothes.

Oh! Oh! Ah.

 

HECTOR & NICK

Ahhh.

 

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

OK. Right, I’m off. Mum’s back.

She’s cooking my tea.

 

BRIDGET

Bernard, what about your clothes?

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

It’s OK. She’s got them.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

What?!

 

HECTOR

What?

 

NICK

What?

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

She put them in the washing machine before she went to bingo.

HECTOR & NICK

Oh.

 

BERNARD REYNOLDS

Bye!

 

HECTOR

So Bernard’s clothes were in the washing machine all the time.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Well, yes, as I suspected. That’s another case solved. I’ll be off then.

 

ANNIE

Oh no you won’t.

DETECTIVE HUNT

What?!

 

ANNIE

You owe me £120 for ‘Pigs With No Parents.’ You made me speak.

 

DETECTIVE HUNT

Well, will dollars do?

 

NICK

Ow!!

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, the girls enter a game show and guess what Hector finds on his jumper?

EXTRA, don’t miss it.

 

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