24_Extra_English_Pilot_Nick

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Episode 24

 

Narrative

 

ANNIE

One for the party and one for the party hostess. One for the party and one for the party accountant.

Hey, it’s Builder Barbie!

 

BRIDGET

Ha-ha, very funny.

Eunice wants some building work done and guess who has to organise it?

 

ANNIE

Builder Barbie?!

Hey! Not for you, for the party.

 

BRIDGET

We’re having a party?!

Oh, what shall I wear?

 

ANNIE

Well, it’s a street party. We’re having a party in the street to protest and stop the cars.

 

BRIDGET

Hmm, hmm, nice.

Hey, what’s this?

 

ANNIE

Aah!

Don’t touch it. It belonged to my grandmother.

 

BRIDGET

Your grandmother? It’s lovely.

 

ANNIE

Yes, it’s very special to me.

 

NICK

Well, what do you think?

Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.

 

Sound of clicking fingers

 

ANNIE

Oh, is that you?

 

BRIDGET

It can’t be!

 

NICK

Women love uniform.

 

ANNIE

Hey-hey! Builder Barbie and Pilot Ken!

 


BRIDGET

Why are you dressed like a pilot?

 

NICK

I am in a play. Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.

 

BRIDGET

Huh!

 

NICK

For a theatre festival in Paris. Now, who is going to help me rehearse, huh?

 

BRIDGET

Oh, sorry, gotta go.

 

NICK

Annie? Oh, come on, you know you want to. Aha! Hector!

 

HECTOR

Huh?

 

NICK

Come fly with me!

 

HECTOR

What?

 

Atmospheric music

 

HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]

Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.

[Speaking normally] … Nick, I really think …

 

NICK

Yeah, don’t tell me. I feel it too.

Something’s not quite right.

 

HECTOR

 

NICK

Yeah, I…, hey, I’ve got it!

Here, there…, oh, beautiful! See? Now I can fancy you.

 

HECTOR

Oh no, Nick, please!!

 

NICK

Did you miss me, sweet thing?

 

HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]

Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.

 

NICK

When we get to Barbados…, oh, sorry. But now we have work to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain Chip Hardy speaking. We will now go through the safety routine.

Exits are here, here and here.

In the event of cabin decompression, place oxygen masks over your face like so, but please attend to your own mask before helping children. Life jackets can be found under your seat.

In case of forced landing, adopt the following position.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, Eunice, I’ve got the builders on the phone.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

About time.

 

BRIDGET

Hello. You can start today?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, Jean-Pierre, how nice to hear from you.

 

BRIDGET

Well we really need the job done quickly.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

We should meet tonight? Oh yes.

 

BRIDGET

Ah yes, where to start.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Where? Hmm, that’s a very good question.

 

BRIDGET

Where would you like the building work to start?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Well, I was thinking in my flat.

 

BRIDGET

In your flat?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, yes, in my flat.

 

BRIDGET

Hello?

We want you to start in Eunice’s flat. Yes, that’s right, Eunice’s flat.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

It’s 31 Evergreen Street.

 

BRIDGET

It’s 31 Evergreen Street. That’s right. Bye.

 

HECTOR

Tea, coffee?

 

NICK

No, no, no! Make it musical. Feel the words. Tea or coffee?

 

HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]

Tea or coffee?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Hey, Nick, do women really go for you in that uniform?

 

NICK


HECTOR

Oh, but do they know that you are not a real pilot?

 

NICK

Well, hmm.

 

HECTOR

You tell them you are a real pilot.

 

NICK

 

Sound of mobile phone

 

NICK

Oh, aha! Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking.

Oh, hi, Tiffany! I love this uniform! Yes, that’s right, sweetie. Currently flying at 20,000 feet heading for Barbados. [Hector makes engine noises in background]

Yeah, that’s right darling, above the clouds, above the clouds.

 

HECTOR

[Makes engine noises/impersonates pilot]

 

NICK

No, no, no. We’re just…

 

HECTOR

Ahhh.. .. … … ..

 

NICK

….We’re not being attacked, it’s just a bit of turbulence. Look, I’ve got to go. Bye-bye!

 

HECTOR

Aaah!!

 

Sound of footsteps/coughing/spluttering

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Nooooooo!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, hi, Eunice.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Bridget, guess where this came from?

 

BRIDGET

Erm…, DIY shop?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

No, from my flat.

 

BRIDGET

Ah yes, have the builders started? Excellent.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Excellent? Excellent? My flat is a mess!

You told the builders to work in my flat.

 

BRIDGET

Yes, you said.

 


EUNICE MOUNTAIN

But the builders were supposed to work at Channel Nine. Your mistake, you fix it.

 

BRIDGET

But….

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

And until you do, I’m going to stay in your flat.

 

BRIDGET

Nooooooooo!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Oh no. Eunice is so angry!

I made a tiny little mistake at work.

 

BRIDGET

We want you to start work in Eunice’s flat. Yes, that’s right, Eunice’s flat.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Nooooooooo!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

And now she’s coming to stay with us.

 

BRIDGET

Nooooooooo!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Oh, what am I going to do?

 

NICK [Composing email]

Dan, forget about fast cars, forget about exercise in the gym, forget about cool clothes.

You have to get a pilot’s uniform. It’s magic with women.

 

NICK

Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

BRIDGET!!

 

BRIDGET

I wanna ride the pony!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Bridget, I want my breakfast now.

 

BRIDGET

Of course. What would you like?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

I want fresh coconut milk, two rashers of crisp bacon, preserve of Morello cherries on French toast, and coffee. Italian coffee.

 

BRIDGET

Fresh coconut milk, Italian coffee? I don’t have….

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

So you have to go out and buy them for me. Oooh, ohhh, horrible.

 


Assorted background noises

 

HECTOR

Oh! Captain Hardy, what are we going to do?

 

NICK

It will be OK.

 

HECTOR

I am too young to die! You have to save us!

 

NICK

Try to be calm.

 

HECTOR

But what about my family? What about my cat?

 

NICK

Hold yourself together, woman.

 

HECTOR

What…

Slapping noise

 

NICK

Excellent! You were really good!

That was like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

 

HECTOR

You didn’t have to slap me for real.

 

NICK

Oh, sorry, but I… oop!

 

Sound of mobile phone ringing

 

NICK

Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking.  [Sound of Hector in background making assorted noises]. What? Oh… OK, it’s the director! Shh! What? What?! Erm, just a minute. The actress? She’s ill? But we must still do the play? No, we don’t have much time.

Look, don’t worry. I know the perfect person to play the part. Oh, yes, the perfect person. Bye!

Hector?

Hector!

 

HECTOR

Huh?

 

NICK

I have an extra ticket for Paris. Do you want to come with me?

 

HECTOR

Paris?

 

NICK

Oui, oui.

 

HECTOR

Excellent!

 

NICK & HECTOR

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

 


EUNICE MOUNTAIN

You call this a breakfast? Euurgggh! That’s what I think of this! Ooh! Eurrh! And this! Aahh! And this! Poofff! And I have a little washing for you.

[Sound of clicking fingers] In the bedroom.

Now, what shall I eat? Hmm!

 

BRIDGET

You call this a little washing?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, be quiet and do it.

 

ANNIE

Hi! I got some polish for Granny’s chest.

 

BRIDGET

 

ANNIE

Oh, I love it so much. It really reminds me of her.

Hey! You’re eating my party food!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Yes. But it’s not very good.

Here, Charley boy.

 

BRIDGET

Annie, Annie, please. I don’t want to lose my job.

It’s only for a few days.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Now which of you lucky girls is going to cut my toenails?

 

BRIDGET

Grrrr! I’m going to kill that woman!

 

ANNIE

No, no, let me.

 

NICK

Are you having fun with Eunice?

 

ANNIE & BRIDGET

 

HECTOR

Why don’t you stay here while we are away?

 

NICK

 

ANNIE & BRIDGET

Erm, no, thank you.

 

ANNIE

Good luck in Paris!

 

Sound of atmospheric accordion music

 

HECTOR

Oh, Paris, c’est magnifique!

 


NICK

Hector, where were you?

Our play starts soon.

 

HECTOR

Oh, OK, good luck.

 

NICK

Hector, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.

 

HECTOR

Oh, your play starts very soon. Where is the actress who plays the stewardess?

 

NICK

Huh! Well, actually she’s right here.

 

HECTOR

Eh? Good joke!

 

NICK

The actress? She’s ill.

 

HECTOR

Huh?

 

NICK

You are going to play the stewardess. Look, there’s your costume.

 

HECTOR

You are not serious. You are serious?

 

NICK

Listen, Sylvia, I am gonna fly this plane. I will need all my crew. You are a professional. I am your captain. Will you fly with me?

 

HECTOR

No. No. No, no, no. I am not doing it, hmm!

 

NICK

Sylvia! I’m proud of you.

 

HECTOR

Oh, shut up.

 

ANNIE

What’s that?

 

BRIDGET

Come and have something to eat.

 

ANNIE

Well, the shape looks familiar.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

You’ve guessed. It is that chest.

I did some work on it for you.

 

ANNIE

Oh!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

It looked so boring. I gave it a whole new look. Da-daa!


Background atmospheric music

 

ANNIE

My grandmother’s chest! Ohhh…..

 

BRIDGET

Annie. Annie, please…

 

ANNIE

Arrrghhhh!!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Oh, that woman!

I can’t take much more of her!

And I don’t know if I can control myself.

 

BRIDGET

Annie, Annie, please …

 

ANNIE

Arrrghhhh!!

 

NICK [Composing email]

Paris was great, but there was one problem, Sophie, my actress, was ill.

 

HECTOR

Where is the actress who plays the stewardess?

 

NICK

Huh! Well, she’s ill.

 

HECTOR

Huh?

 

NICK [Composing email]

And I had to persuade Hector to play her part instead.

 

NICK

You are going to play the stewardess.

 

HECTOR

Oh, shut up.

 

NICK

Oooh, that was close!

We nearly missed the plane.

 

HECTOR

Look at the reviews. “Irresistible.”

 

NICK

“Dazzling.”

 

HECTOR

“And that was just her legs”!

 

NICK

“The hostess was beautiful – in a masculine way.”

 

NICK & HECTOR

Aaarrrghhh! Aaarrrghhh!

 


HECTOR

What’s going on?

 

P.A. ADDRESS

Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing some turbulence. There’s nothing to worry about, except that the pilot and co-pilot are both ill.

Erm, does anybody know how to fly a plane?

 

NICK & HECTOR

Aaarrrghhh!

 

NICK

Hector!

 

HECTOR

Huh?

 

NICK

Don’t worry. I will fly this plane.

 

HECTOR

Nick, you cannot fly this plane!

 

NICK

I am Captain Chip Hardy. I can do anything!

 

HECTOR

You are just an actor. Captain Chip Hardy is your character.

 

NICK

But I have the heart of a pilot.

 

HECTOR

Tea? Coffee?

 

Sound of mobile phone ringing

 

BRIDGET

Oh, wait a minute.

Hello? Oh, really? Oh, excellent! Goodbye.

 

ANNIE

Who was that?

 

BRIDGET

The builders. Eunice’s flat is finished!

 

ANNIE

Really?

 

BRIDGET

Her flat is ready!

 

ANNIE

Wooooohhh! Our flat is ours again! Hoo-hooo-hooo!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Hello, girls. Have you had a nice time?

 

BRIDGET

What happened here?

 


EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, just a little party! It was really fun!

 

BRIDGET

OK, Eunice. We’ve spoken to the builders.

Your flat’s ready. You can go home now.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, I like it here. I think I’m going to stay.

Oh Bridget! Where’s my coffee! And Annie, bring my new wig.

 

ANNIE & BRIDGET

Nooooooooooo!

 

BRIDGET

What do you mean?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

What do I mean? I am going to stay.

 

HECTOR

Aha! We are back! Paris was great and…

 

ANNIE

Oh, pilot Ken and stewardess Barbie!

 

HECTOR

But he really is a pilot! He flew the plane!

 

NICK

Well, for a moment, until the co-pilot punched me!

 

HECTOR

What happened here? A hurricane?

 

ANNIE

Yes, something like that.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Well, Nick, what’s this? A new job?

 

NICK

Yeah, sort of.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

So Mr Pilot, shall we have some fun?

 

NICK

Yeah, OK!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Will you take my flying?

 

NICK

Ha-ha! OK!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Shall we stay here or go to my place?

 

NICK

Let’s go to your place. This place is a mess!

Really, girls, you should tidy up a bit.

 

HECTOR

It is the uniform.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, at last, she’s gone!

 

ANNIE

Oh, I’m exhausted!

 

HECTOR

Well, if you are tired, can I offer you some tea or coffee?

 

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Bridget is interested in modern art, Annie is fighting to free farm animals and who else is coming to dinner?

EXTRA, don’t miss it!

 

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