21_Extra_English_The_entertainers

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Narrative

 

ANNIE

You are feeling very sleepy. You want to be a cat!  Now Charley, say ‘meow’! [Sound of Charley barking] … No Charley, let’s try again. ‘Meow’! [Sound of Charley barking]. Oh, I give up. Oh here you are, Charley, good boy. Ah. I don’t need a dog, I need someone more stupid.

 

Sound of door opening

 

ANNIE

Perfect. The boys. Hello boys, come and sit down.

 

NICK

What are you doing?

 

ANNIE

I am going to hypnotise you.

 

HECTOR

Hypnotise?

 

NICK

Yeah, you know. Hyp-no-tise.

 

ANNIE

You are feeling very sleepy. You are a baby.

 

NICK

Mama, mama.

 

ANNIE

You are five years old.

 

NICK

He stole my toy!

 

Sound of slapping

 

ANNIE

You are twelve years old.

 

NICK

Hey baby, wanna dance?! Ha-ha.

 

HECTOR

Oh I know! Oh, it sounds fun!

 

ANNIE

It’s not about fun!

Hypnotism can help you with your problems!

 

 

NICK

I don’t have any problems!

 

ANNIE

Are you ready?

 

HECTOR

 

 

ANNIE

Now, close your eyes and relax.

I’m going to take you back.

Ba-ck, ba-ck. And open your eyes!

You made it.

 

NICK

Well?

 

HECTOR

Have you done it?

 

ANNIE

Yes, all done. Now I am going to say a word to you and when you hear that word, you are going to react.

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Ready?

 

NICK & HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Butterfly. Anything?

 

HECTOR

Uh-uh.

 

NICK

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

No. Ha-ha!

 

ANNIE

I’ll try again. Butterfly.

But-ter-fly.

BUTTERFLY!!

 

HECTOR

I don’t think it’s working, Annie.

 

NICK

You’re very good. Ha!

No one can control the great minds of Hector and Nick!

 

HECTOR & NICK

Ha-ha!

 

Sound of laughter

 

ANNIE

So where did I go wrong? Ah. ‘A hypnotic state can last for two days.’ Oh. So if someone says the word ‘butterfly’ in the next two days. Ah!

 

Sound of voices on TV

 

HECTOR

Oh Nick! Why did you do that?

 

NICK

It’s so obvious!

Sue is having an affair with Jim’s brother!

 

HECTOR

Don’t tell me. Na-na-na-na …

 

NICK

Hey look, it’s Bridget.

 

BRIDGET

If I said ‘children’s parties’ to you, you’d say …

 

NICK

… No thanks!

 

BRIDGET

Jelly, ice cream, pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey.

 

NICK

Oh, pinning the tail on the donkey.

 

Sound of background party music/bursting balloons

 

HECTOR

Pin the tail on the donkey?

 

NICK

Great game!

 

HECTOR

Poor donkey.

 

BRIDGET

But not for the lucky children of the rich and famous.

At their parties they have elephant rides …

 

HECTOR

So, they pin the tail on the elephant!

 


BRIDGET

Amazing cakes, top class entertainers. Parties like these can cost thousands of pounds, but listen to the laughter of these lovely children.

 

Sound of children cheering and laughing

 

BRIDGET

They love it!

 

CHILD

Give me that. I want that!

 

BRIDGET

Not now, sweetie, I’m on television.

 

CHILD

But I want it!

 

BRIDGET

Be a nice child and go away.

 

CHILD

Give it to me!

 

BRIDGET

I said, get lost!

 

CHILD

Mum! She hit me!

 

BRIDGET

This is Bridget Evans, Channel 9, Knightsbridge.

 

CHILD

Get the police, mummy!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, will you keep your child quiet?!!

 

Sound of siren

 

NICK

That’s it!

 

HECTOR

What?

 

NICK

Children’s parties. Rich children’s parties.

 

HECTOR

You can’t go, you are too old!

 

NICK

No, she said – top class entertainers. That’s us. We will be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money!

 

HECTOR

Don’t we need an elephant?

 

NICK

No! We’ve got you!

 

HECTOR

Oooh!

 

NICK

No. Hmmm!

 

HECTOR

Hmmm!

 

NICK

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I am learning how to hypnotise people.

 

ANNIE

You are feeling very sleepy.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I’ve tried it on Hector and Nick …

 

ANNIE

BUTTERFLY!!

 

HECTOR

I don’t think it’s working, Annie.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

But nothing’s happened – yet.

 

ANNIE

A hypnotic state can last for two days.

 

NICK [Composing email]

Hector and I are going to be top class party entertainers to rich children.

 

NICK

We’ll be party entertainers to rich children for loads of money!

 

NICK

OK guys, what do you  think of this?

‘Posh Parties – make your child’s party go with a bang.

We are top class children’s entertainers, we make them laugh …’

 

HECTOR

… We make them cry!

 

ANNIE

It’s not like that, Hector.

 

NICK

‘Book Posh Parties for the best party in the world. Only millionaires need apply.’

What do you think?

 

BRIDGET

I think you’d be lucky to get one reply.

 

Sound of telephone ringing

 

ANNIE

Ooh!

Hello. Oh, yes, erm, this is Posh Parties. Who is calling, please?

Mrs George Ducas?!

 

NICK

Not the wife of Mr George Ducas?!

 

HECTOR

Who?

 

NICK

George Ducas, the Hollywood director.

 

BRIDGET

You know who it is, don’t you!

 

NICK

Victoria, Lucas’s mother.

 

VICTORIA

Lucas, say ‘hello’ to Uncle Nicky-Wicky!

 

NICK

 

Electrical buzzing noise

 

NICK

Ah!

 

ANNIE

Hello. Oh, you’d like to book a party – for your stepdaughter.

Oh, she loves fairies. Well, I have just the fairy for you, Princess Nicky, oh and here she is!

 

NICK

Hello! Princess Nicky speaking. Oh yes, of course I know what little girls like! I used to be one myself, you know. Ha-hmm-hmm.

Oh, certainly Mrs Ducas, Daisy’s birthday on Friday, we’ll be there. Bye-ee!

Oh no!

 

ANNIE

Nick, that’s fantastic news! It’s your first booking!

 

HECTOR

Yeah!

 


NICK

But I will have to go to the home of George Ducas dressed as a fairy princess! What will Victoria say?! Bah! Who cares! This is my chance to get into Hollywood.

 

BRIDGET

Erm, it’s the nearest you’ll ever get to Hollywood. Anyway, what can you do?

 

NICK

What can I do?

 

BRIDGET

What can you  do to entertain children?

 

NICK

I can juggle!

 

HECTOR

So can I!

 

BRIDGET

Is that it?

 

NICK

No, I can do lots of things.

Anyway I  will have my assistants, Hector and …

 

ANNIE

Ah-ah-ah, I’m working on Friday. She’s not.

 

NICK

 

BRIDGET

Oh no, no. Children and I do not work well together.

 

NICK

Oh well, suit yourself, it’s only the home of George Ducas, with the children of Hollywood stars!

 

BRIDGET

Celebrities?

 

NICK

 

BRIDGET

Oh, all right.

But I’m not dressing up.

 

Sound of background atmospheric music

 

BRIDGET

I feel ridiculous!

 

NICK

You  feel ridiculous, what about me?

 


HECTOR

Ah, this is the last box.

 

NICK

Ah, great!

 

VICTORIA

Are you ready?

 

NICK

Ooh!

 

VICTORIA

Nick!

 

NICK

Oh!

 

VICTORIA

Princess Nicky.

 

NICK

Ha-ha, hi Victoria.

I mean, hello, Mrs Ducas, ha-ha.

 

VICTORIA

So, how’s the acting going?

 

NICK

Oh, great, great, this is just a, a temporary job! Ha-ha.

Hmm, is George here?

 

VICTORIA

He’s next door, chatting to a few friends.

Erm, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Orlando Bloom and Jude Law.

 

NICK

That’s nice, yeah …

 

VICTORIA

Mmm. Well, let’s bring in the birthday girl.

Daisy, in you come!

 

Assorted background noises and accompanying music as children enter room

 

VICTORIA

Have a good time! [Sound of kissing]

Anyway, I’m just going next door to have drinkies!

 

Sound of tittering laughter/accompanying music

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

This is so funny!

The good news is: Nick and Hector have got their first Posh Parties booking.

 

ANNIE

You’d like to book a party?

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

The bad news is they’ve gone to George Ducas’ house, dressed as fairies!

 

BRIDGET

I feel ridiculous!

 

NICK

You feel ridiculous, what about me?!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Nick has made me help him with his silly children’s party.

 

NICK

Ha-ha! Hee!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

I don’t like children. Worse still –  I’m dressed as a fairy!

 

VICTORIA

Have a good time!

 

NICK

Hello little fairies. My name is Princess Nicky. Hello!

[Clears throat] And this is Princess Hector-ina.

Ha-ha. And this – is Tinkerbell. Ha-ha!

 

DAISY

She’s really old!

 

NICK

[Clears throat loudly]

Now, Princess Hector-ina is going to show you a magic trick. Ooh! – Aren’t you, Princess Hector-ina. Ha-ha!

 

HECTOR

Now we are going to have a magical time this afternoon, aren’t we!

Now, would you like to meet Mr Whizzy?

Of course you would.

 

BRIDGET

Come on Daisy, come and meet Mr Whizzy.

 

HECTOR

Now Daisy, is Mr Whizzy in the hat?

Go on, put your hand in.

Not too far! [Clears throat]. Well, is he there?

 

DAISY

No!

 

HECTOR

No he’s not. Now, give the hat a magic tap.

 

Thumping noise

 


HECTOR

Careful, you’ll give him a headache! [Clears throat]. Oh, who is this?! Oh, it’s Mr Whizzy! … … to Mr Whizzy.

 

Sound of children laughing

 

HECTOR

Oh, Mr Whizzy hasn’t got any clothes on! Ha-ha!

 

NICK

Ha-ha-hah! Thank you Daisy!

Now, erm, Tinkerbell, stop that and come over here!

 

DAISY

You’ve got hairy legs and  a hairy chest!

 

NICK

Now Daisy, that’s not a very nice thing to say about Tinkerbell!

 

BRIDGET

I think she meant you!

 

NICK

Oh, ha, now!

I  am going to make someone disappear! Oooh!

Who shall it be?

 

DAISY

You!

 

NICK

Daisy, do you want to be part of the magic trick again?

Oh, Daisy! Ha-ha-ha! Come on! Magic Wigwam! Now Daisy, this is Princess Nicky’s magical wigwam.

If you go in there you’ll find a wonderful magical land!

Do you want to go in?

 

DAISY

No!

 

NICK

Of course, ha-ha-ha! Of course you do! Now in you go, come on – poppet! He-he, get in, he-he. There we are! Marvellous! Ha-ha. Now, we say the magical word, Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky.  Hey Presto, Ping!

Is Daisy still here? Oh, she’s gone!

She must be having a wonderful time in the magical land. But it’s time to come home now, Daisy! Princess Nicky-Wicky-Wocky. Ping!

And hello Daisy.

Daisy? Daisy! Daisy! Daisy! Where did she go?

 

HECTOR

I don’t know!

 

BRIDGET

I’ll get the cake, she’ll come out then!

 


NICK

Where is she?

Where is Daisy!

 

Sound of hysterical laughter

 

BRIDGET

What a good game, Princess Nicky! Can’t you remember where Daisy is, really, your mind is like a butterfly! Ha-ha-ha!

 

Sound of harp music/laughter

 

ANNIE

BUTTERFLY!!

 

NICK & HECTOR

[Making chicken/type squawking noises]

 

Sound of children laughing

 

NICK

Ah-hah! The cake! OK, come out Daisy, wherever you are!

 

HECTOR

We’ve got a surprise for you!

 

NICK

She’ll come out when she see this!

Happy Birthday, Daisy, cue, Bridget! Whoo!

 

Sound of children laughing/squawking noises

 

BRIDGET

What’s going on?

 

Sound of mobile phone ringing

 

BRIDGET

Annie?

 

ANNIE

Bridget, I forgot to say, whatever you do, do not mention the word butterfly.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, why not?

 

ANNIE

Because it’s the word I used to hypnotise Nick and Hector, they might behave strangely.

 

BRIDGET

Erm, stranger than usual?

 

ANNIE

 

BRIDGET

Erm, I think it worked!

 

ANNIE

Oh!

 

BRIDGET

So how do you de-hypnotise them?

 

ANNIE

Erm, there’s a special word.

 

BRIDGET

What is it?!!

 

ANNIE

Erm, dragonfly, erm, bee. Oh, no, wasp, ant …

 

BRIDGET

Dragonfly, bee, wasp, ant …

 

BRIDGET

Nothing’s happening!

 

ANNIE

I’ll be right there!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, hurry! Oooh!

 

Sound of screeching

 

VICTORIA

Oh, what the …

 

NICK

Hey, Victoria, come and rock!

 

VICTORIA

What, why is … … …

What’s going on?

 

NICK

The thing is, we were doing this magic trick and …

 

HECTOR

… We lost her.

 

VICTORIA

Nick, how could you?!

That’s it, I’m calling the police.

Police – baby darling!

 

DAISY

Oh, wicked!!

 

ANNIE

She was in Princess Nicky’s van.

 

BRIDGET

So, have you remembered the word?

 

ANNIE

Oh yes, erm, caterpillar.

 

Sound of harp music

 

VICTORIA

What a mess! I’m not paying you!

 

ANNIE

Well then, you won’t mind that I’ve put parking tickets on four Mercedes, five Ferraris and two Porsches, illegally parked outside.

 

VICTORIA

Oh, Catherine parked outside and Jude did too. All of George’s friends parked – surely we can come to some kind of an arrangement.

 

ANNIE

 

VICTORIA

Very well.

 

NICK

Well, I didn’t meet George!

 

HECTOR

It was a great party though and the money was good too!

 

ANNIE

Erm,  you’ll need that for your fine.

 

NICK

What fine?

 

ANNIE

We had to tow your van away.

I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was yours.

 

NICK

What? !! Hey, come back!

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Annie is reading her crystal ball, Bridget wants to meet a handsome stranger and what is scaring Hector and Nick?

EXTRA, don’t miss it!

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