19_Extra_English_Kung_fu_fighting

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Narrative

 

BRIDGET

Ricky Chung – so  sexy!

 

ANNIE

Ricky Chung?

 

BRIDGET

You know. [Makes Kung Fu style noises]

 

ANNIE

I hate violence.

 

BRIDGET

I hate violence too – but I love Ricky Chung.

 

NICK

Ha-ha, Hector, I tell you, this is a very old English tradition.

 

HECTOR

Really?

 

NICK

Really.

Now, put your blindfold on. No looking, OK?

 

ANNIE

What is Nick doing?

 

Sound of drink cans being moved on kitchen work surface

 

BRIDGET

You know, being a genius!

 

NICK

Right, now you can choose one.

 

HECTOR

Aaah!! [Sound of can being opened]

 

Sound of laughter

 

ANNIE

Nick, what are you doing? Our floor!

 

NICK

Well we must teach Hector how to be English.

 

 

BRIDGET

Not an English idiot.

 

HECTOR

OK Nick, now is your turn.

 

NICK

Hmm – ah.

 

Sound of cans being shaken

 

HECTOR

… And this is an old English tradition … !

 

Sound of laughter

 

NICK

… You need a shower!

 

HECTOR

I think I already have had one!

 

Sound of laughter/telephone rings

 

NICK

That’ll be for me!

 

ANNIE

How do you know?

Hello. Oh, Yes, it is for you, Nick.

 

NICK

Hello. Oh hi. Yeah. Yeah!! Really, great! I’ll prepare for it! Bye.

 

ANNIE

Nick, why do you always use our number.

You’re so, so …

 

BRIDGET

… Idiotic, stupid, vain, choose one.

 

NICK

I have just got an audition for the new nwa!! – Ricky Chung film!

 

BRIDGET

As I was saying, you’re so clever, wonderful, brilliant.

Ricky Chung.

 

NICK

Ye-ah, Wicky-Chung. Wooh!

 

BRIDGET

I always knew you’d make it to the top!

 

 

 

BRIDGET

Ricky Chung.

Nick’s going to be in a film – with Ricky Chung!

 

ANNIE

Wait a minute. He only has an audition.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, I’m sure he’ll get it, then I can interview Ricky Chung …

 

Sound of Kung Fu style noises

 

BRIDGET

Ah, maybe Ricky’ll fancy me.

 

ANNIE

You?! In your dreams!

 

BRIDGET

Ricky and Bridget. Houses in London, Hong Kong …

 

ANNIE

… Yeah, you’ll have a house in London and he’ll have a house in Hong Kong!

 

BRIDGET

I should get an oriental style, new clothes, come shopping with me?

 

ANNIE

I can’t.

 

BRIDGET

You can’t come shopping?

 

ANNIE

I have a group meeting. Animal lovers against violence.

 

BRIDGET

And is Hector going with you?

 

ANNIE

Ah, Hector.

 

BRIDGET

What about Hector?

 

ANNIE

Well, I’ve been thinking about our relationship.

 

HECTOR

Ow!

 

ANNIE

Wimp!!

 

HECTOR

But Hector’s a good man!

He ironed your trousers!

ANNIE

Yes. Yes he did.

 

Sound of telephone ringing

 

BRIDGET

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, hello Bridget. How are you?

 

BRIDGET

Eunice! Erm, very well, thanks.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh good.

Erm, Channel Nine has to lose people.

 

BRIDGET

I know. I heard.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

And, guess who is the first person to go?!

 

BRIDGET

Who?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Yo-u! You’re fired. Ciao!

 

BRIDGET

Oh wait, oh bu…, but-but-but I’m getting an interview with Ricky Chung!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Ricky Chung, hmm.

Mm, if you get the interview, you keep your job.

No pressure.

 

Sound of door being opened

 

HECTOR

Hi Annie.

I’ve just been watching Charlotte’s Kitchen on television.

 

ANNIE

Oh, not again!

 

HECTOR

Look, I’ve made you a cake.

 

ANNIE

A cake?

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Really?

 

HECTOR

Aha. Here, try a piece.

 

ANNIE

Oh, OK. [Sound of crunching]

What’s this?

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Flower?

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Why?

 

HECTOR

Well Charlotte said you have to put some flour in the cake.

 

ANNIE [Sighs]

No Hector. Some flour. Some flow-ers!

 

HECTOR

Well still, hmm, tastes good, doesn’t it, uh?

 

NICK

Hey, Hector, I have got an audition for the new Ricky Chung film!

 

HECTOR

Wow!

 

NICK

Wow, yeah!

 

HECTOR

Yeah!

 

NICK

Superb!

 

HECTOR

Superb!

 

NICK

Wooh!

 

HECTOR

One question.

 

NICK

Ay?

HECTOR

Who is Ricky Chung?

 

NICK

You know – Ricky … [makes Kung Fu style noise]

 

HECTOR

Oh, Ricky Chung.

 

NICK

Yeah!

 

HECTOR

I know him!

 

NICK

Ah!

 

HECTOR

He was in the Chinese restaurant …

 

NICK

No, no, no! Look – I will show you Ricky – nwa! … Chung!

 

Assorted noises from Kung Fu film on TV

 

NICK

So, will you help me to prepare?

 

HECTOR

I would love to!

 

NICK [Composing email]

You won’t believe this,  I  have got an audition for the new Ricky Chung film!

 

NICK

Nwa! – Ricky Chung film.

 

NICK [Composing email]

Look out Hollywood: Nick’s your new man!

 

NICK

Superb!

 

HECTOR

Superb!

 

NICK

Ooh!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Hector did a stupid thing today.

He baked a cake with a flower inside it!

 

ANNIE

What’s this?

 

HECTOR

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Yes!

I’m going to interview Ricky Chung!

The Ricky Chung.

 

BRIDGET

Then I can interview Ricky Chung.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Ah, we are made for each other.

I love everything oriental and he will love everything about me!

 

BRIDGET

Ricky and Bridget!

 

RICHARD

I hate violence, violence makes me sick.

 

ANNIE

Wonderful!

I totally agree, Richard.

 

RICHARD

But I love animals.

 

ANNIE

I love animals too!

You must come and meet my dog, Charley.

 

RICHARD

We have so much in common.

 

ANNIE

I know! [Sound of laughter]

 

Sound of door opening and closing

 

ANNIE

Hector, come and sit down. I think we should talk.

 

HECTOR

What do you want to talk about?

 

ANNIE

I think we should see other people.

 

HECTOR

See other people?

 

ANNIE

 

 

HECTOR

But I see other people. I see Bridget, I see Nick, I see the postman.

 

ANNIE

No, I mean we should ‘see’ other people.

 

HECTOR

Oh. Fine!

 

Sound of door opening and closing

 

BRIDGET

Hey guys, help me prepare my interview with Ricky Chung!

 

ANNIE

Bridget, it’s not a good time.

 

HECTOR

No, no, it is a very good time.

Sit down, Bridget.

 

BRIDGET

So, you are Ricky Chung.

 

HECTOR

I am Ricky Chung.

 

BRIDGET

 

HECTOR

And who are you?

 

BRIDGET

[Laughing]]

I’m me, silly!

 

BRIDGET & HECTOR

[Laughing]

 

BRIDGET

So, Ricky.

 

HECTOR

 

BRIDGET

What kind of – women do you like?

 

ANNIE

Well, I like beautiful women – like you.

 

BRIDGET

Cor-rect answer!

And tell me, Ricky, do you – have a girlfriend now?

 

 

HECTOR

Well, erm …

 

BRIDGET

Sweetie …

 

HECTOR

Erm …

 

BRIDGET

Oh, Ricky.

 

Atmospheric noise

 

NICK

Hector, hold this.

Aaah-yeow-aw!!

Hah! Right!

Now I want you to attack me.

 

HECTOR

Attack you?

 

NICK

 

Slapping noise

 

NICK

Not now.

 

HECTOR

So when?

 

NICK

It must be a surprise.

 

HECTOR

Why?

 

NICK

So I must always be ready.

 

NICK & HECTOR

Aah!

 

Slapping noise

 

NICK

Good, very good! Aha!

I am feeling good! Ah, yes!

I’m feeling fit!!

Ay …yeaw!!

 

ANNIE

Nick, are you being violent?

 

NICK

Erm, no, hah!

Oh thanks, must go. It’s my audition.

 

Sound of door slamming

 

Further sound of door slamming

 

Assorted Kung Fu style noises

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

OK Nick.

OK Nick, let’s see what you can do.

 

Assorted noises

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

Excellent, excellent!

 

NICK

What?

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

You’ve got the part.

 

NICK

I have?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

 

Atmospheric music

 

‘RICKY CHUNG’

Hey baby.

 

BRIDGET

Oh!

 

NICK

You  are looking at the new Ricky Chung!

BRIDGET

Oh-ho-ho- oh … Nick, that’s wonderful!

Oh, Ricky, Ricky Chung!

 

Sound of drum roll/shouting/thumping noises

 

NICK

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

 

HECTOR

But you told me to attack you.

 

 

 

NICK

But not now – not now!

Ah!!

 

Sound of drum roll

 

NICK

Amateurs!

 

BRIDGET

So, when can I?

 

NICK

What?!

 

BRIDGET

Meet him!

 

NICK

Who?

 

BRIDGET

Ricky Chung!

 

NICK

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Nadia, I have great news!

I met a new man – Richard.

He is so sweet. He hates violence and loves animals!

 

RICHARD

But I love animals.

 

ANNIE

I love animals too!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Hector£ Oh, well, Hector is … Hector!

 

ANNIE

Ah Hector.

 

NICK [Composing email]

I can’t meet you today, Dan, I have to practise.

You have to be very professional to work with Ricky Chung.

 

NICK

I am feeling good … …

 

NICK [Composing email]

Hector’s helping me to prepare.

 

NICK

Owww!

 

NICK [Composing email]

Not now, Hector!

 

HECTOR

So when?

 

Atmospheric music

 

NICK

Mm, Ricky Chung.

Hi, I’m Nick.

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

Oh Nick, Ricky never talks at work.

 

NICK

Oh, ah, very professional.

Hah, so what do you want me to do? Hah!

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

You stand still.

 

NICK

 

Assorted thumping noises/groaning

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

 

NICK

What is this?!

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

This is your role.

 

NICK

Bu-bu-but, we are partners!

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

Partners?

 

NICK

Yes, we, we fight the criminals together.

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

No, no, no, you play the stupid friend!

 

NICK

The stupid friend?!

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

 

NICK

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

Right, let’s try it again.

Ricky, action.

 

Assorted atmospheric noises

 

BRIDGET

So how was your first day with Ricky?

 

NICK

Great!

We get on very well.

 

BRIDGET

There must be so much to learn.

 

NICK

Oh yeah!

I taught Ricky a lot today.

 

BRIDGET

Ricky!

Ah!

 

Sound of drum roll/atmospheric noises/thumping/shouting

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

OK, Nick, bend over.

 

NICK

Excuse me?

 

CASTING DIRECTOR

I said, bend over.

 

NICK

I thought so. Ah-ah. Hmm.

Ow!! Ah-ah!

 

Sound of ambulance siren

 

NICK

Hello nurse!

Could I have a bath please?

 

Sound of curtain being drawn back

 

NICK

Oh, ha, hi Bridget. Ow!

 

BRIDGET

So, when can I meet Ricky?

 

NICK

Erm …

 

 

BRIDGET

No Ricky?

No interview.

No interview – no job! Ow!!

 

ANNIE

Oh, poor Nick!

 

RICHARD [Ricky]

Nick, how are you feeling?

 

NICK

Rick?!

 

ANNIE

Richard?

 

RICHARD

Annie?

 

ANNIE

Well what are you doing here?

This is Richard. I met him at my protest group.

 

BRIDGET

Ah!

Ricky Chung!! Oh please, please can I have an interview?!

 

ANNIE

Bridget, this isn’t Ricky Chung, this is Richard.

 

NICK

No, no, no, this is Ricky Chung.

 

ANNIE

Richard?

 

RICHARD

… Ricky Chung is my film name.

 

ANNIE

But, I thought you hated violence.

You lied to me, Ricky!

 

Sound of drum roll/Kung Fu style noises

 

HECTOR

I brought you some cake.

 

NICK

Thanks, Hector.

 

ANNIE

Oh Hector, will you forgive me?

 

HECTOR

Of course.

BRIDGET

How fascinating.

Anti-violence, and a Kung Fu star!

Oh, it’ll make a great interview!

Eunice will love it!

And so will I!!

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA.

Charley enters a dog show, Bridget’s got a new boyfriend and guess who’s in trouble with the police!

EXTRA, don’t miss it!

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