18_Extra_English_Just_the_ticket

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Narrative

 

ANNIE

“Dear Miss Taylor, Thank you for your recent CV, but at present we haven’t got anything to suit your talents.” Ohh! “Dear Miss Taylor, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.” How surprising – blurrrhh. Grrrr! What is the point of all that studying if I cannot get a job? Right, last one. Paws crossed, Charley. “Dear Miss Taylor…”

 

NICK

What is the point of having a car if you cannot park?

 

ANNIE

“Thank you for your recent letter.”

 

NICK

She’s got four eyes and reptile skin.

 

ANNIE

“We are very pleased to tell you…”

 

NICK

She sees your car…

 

ANNIE

“…that you have been successful…”

 

NICK

…she slides over to it. She’s got you!

 

ANNIE

“…in your application as a…”

 

NICK

Oh yes, she is the….

 

NICK & ANNIE

Traffic warden!

 

NICK

 

ANNIE

What?

 

NICK

I’ve just got a ticket.

 

ANNIE

I’ve just got a job!

 

NICK

Ohhh! As a traffic warden?

Annie, you’ll be one of them.

 

 

HECTOR

One of who?

 

NICK

Annie is going to be a traffic warden.

 

ANNIE

Well, I have to pass the entrance exam first.

 

HECTOR

What is a traffic warden?

 

NICK

Someone who spoils your day.

 

ANNIE

A traffic warden is someone who stops stupid people parking their stupid cars in stupid places.

 

NICK

See? It’s started.

 

HECTOR

Hmm, I didn’t know you wanted to be a traffic warden.

 

ANNIE

I didn’t know either, but no one else would have me.

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

But it is good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads.

 

HECTOR

So you will have another exam?

 

ANNIE

Yeah, another exam.

 

NICK

Ah, well, don’t worry. I can help. I’ve got experience of traffic wardens.

OK, Hector, you can be the driver and I will be the traffic warden!

 

HECTOR

 

NICK

You can’t park there.

 

HECTOR

Yes, I can.

 

NICK

No, you can’t.

 

HECTOR

Yes, I can.

 

NICK

No, you can’t.

 

HECTOR

Yes, I can, because this is a bus stop and I am driving a bus. Beep-beep!

 

NICK

Oh, the excuses I hear.

 

HECTOR

Oh, sorry, sorry. Emergency appointment. Bad leg.

 

NICK

Ohhh. Which leg?

 

HECTOR

No, no, no, it’s not me. It’s my hamster.

 

NICK

Ohh, sweet.

 

HECTOR

Huh? Oh, oh, sorry, Eric! Eric?

Er-hem, surely we can come to some arrangement?

 

NICK

Oh, of course we can, sir.

You can pay for the ticket, I can go home for my tea.

 

HECTOR

Sorry, sorry, but I was late for lunch and there was no place to park. But surely we can sort this out? When a beautiful woman meets a handsome man.

 

NICK

Well, you’re in my little black book now, darling.

 

HECTOR

Rrrrrrr!

Hey, I’ve only been two minutes!

 

NICK

Well, I have started, so I’ll finish!

 

HECTOR

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Sorry, I got stuck up a chimney, ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

NICK

Yes, and there are fairies at the bottom of my garden, sir.

 

HECTOR

Rudolf! … Rudolf!!

 

NICK

See? Now you know what to expect.

 

ANNIE

I can’t wait.

 

BRIDGET

Late ironing – penalty £20. Late washing-up – penalty £5. Oh, Annie. I need a drink. I don’t believe it. She’s clamped the fridge.

 

HECTOR

Did you have a good day, Bridget?

 

BRIDGET

Yes, I did.

 

NICK

Why is the TV moved?

 

BRIDGET

Oh?

Annie towed it away this morning. No licence.

 

NICK

 

BRIDGET

Really, Hector, you must talk to her. She’s too serious about this traffic warden exam.

 

HECTOR

I do try, but if I stop to talk to her, she gives me a parking ticket!

 

BRIDGET

Anyway, exciting news. Channel Nine is presenting the Miss Eurobabe Beauty Contest.

 

NICK

Wow!

 

BRIDGET

And guess who Eunice wants to present the show?

 

HECTOR

Me!

 

BRIDGET

You, Hector! I could enter the contest myself, but I might…

 

NICK

… Frighten the judges?

 

BRIDGET

…Win. The programme will need my expertise.

 

NICK

And mine!

 

BRIDGET

So will you present the show, Hector?

 

HECTOR

When is it?

 

BRIDGET

Next Friday.

 

HECTOR

Oh, that’s the day of Annie’s exam.

 

NICK

Ooh, a double contest then!

 

BRIDGET

But you’ll be OK. I’ll help you.

 

NICK

Oh, think of those babes!

 

BRIDGET

It’s my job to give you all the information about the girls, so nothing can go wrong.

 

HECTOR

Well, OK then.

 

BRIDGET

Good, great.

 

NICK

So, when do we start?

 

BRIDGET

We?

 

NICK

Well, Hector will need an interpreter to help him talk to all those babes.

 

BRIDGET

Nick, you’re not getting involved in this show.

 

NICK [Composing email]

I got a parking ticket today. Traffic wardens – grrrr!

 

NICK

What is the point of having a car if you cannot park?!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I’m going to be a traffic warden!

 

HECTOR

What is a traffic warden?

 

NICK

Someone who spoils your day.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

It’s a very important job.

It’s good for the environment to reduce the cars on our roads.

 

HECTOR

Oh, sorry, sorry, but I was late for lunch and there wasn’t a place to park.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

There are some very stupid people out there.

 

HECTOR

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Exciting news from Channel Nine. The Miss Eurobabe Beauty Contest.

 

NICK

Wow!

 

BRIDGET

And guess who Eunice wants to present the show?

 

HECTOR

Me!

 

ANNIE

You, Hector!

 


BRIDGET [Composing email]

Hector is presenting it, but he’ll be OK, because the contestants are my responsibility.  Nothing can go wrong.

 

HECTOR

Well, OK then.

 

BRIDGET

 

ANNIE

You have a very difficult job.

You are right.

But a very important job.

Oh, thank you, sir.

No, I  mean it.

I know, but I’ve still got to give you a ticket.

That’s OK. It’s your job.

There you are, sir. Have a nice day!

Thank you. And  you.

How nice to meet a reasonable customer.

 

Assorted puffing noises

 

BRIDGET

Why are you dressed to go to war, Annie?

 

ANNIE

I’m going for my traffic warden exam.

 

BRIDGET

Are you expecting trouble?

 

ANNIE

There are a lot of difficult motorists out there. Oh. What have you got there?

 

BRIDGET

It’s the information for the Eurobabe contestants.

 

ANNIE

 

BRIDGET

Hector must learn what each girl likes and dislikes.

 

ANNIE

Anything interesting?

 

BRIDGET

Let’s see. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. She likes children and animals. Aha! This one’s different.

Miss Holland Babe. She likes reading and her ambition – is to learn to read. Oh, here’s another one. Miss Belgium Babe. Her ambition is to go to the moon.

 

ANNIE

But she doesn’t like flying!

Well, it should be an exciting show!

 

BRIDGET

I hope so.

Well at least Hector is ready for it!

 

NICK

And so am I!

 

BRIDGET

Nick, I said no.

 

Audience applause

 

BRIDGET

Cue Hector.

 

HECTOR

Good evening and a very warm well…come to Channel Nine’s Eurobabe Contest live!

 

BRIDGET

Yes, OK, get on with it!

 

HECTOR

Have we got some lovely ladies for you tonight. Have we?

 

BRIDGET

Yes, of course we have.

 

HECTOR

Oh, oh, yes, yes, we have. Of course we have.

So let’s meet our lovely contestants eager to wear the Channel Nine Eurobabe Crown!

 

BRIDGET

Nick, get off now. Nick! Get off now! If you don’t get off by the time I count to three, I will cut off your ears!

One – two…

 

HECTOR

Comedy, ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

BRIDGET

Cue, Miss Sweden …

 

HECTOR

So let’s meet our first contestant! Miss Swedenbabe! .. … .. … Miss Swedenbabe! Ha-ha-ha!

 

BRIDGET

This is why I didn’t want you here. What’s that? Miss Englandbabe is where?

She’s been clamped? Well, tell her to get a taxi then.

She won’t leave her Porsche? I’ll come and get her.

Who’s going to do this?

Listen to me. You have one simple job. You must tell Hector who each girl is. Their names are on these cards. Got it?

Do not mess it up.

 

NICK

Who, me?

 

HECTOR

Thank you, Miss Swedenbabe!

 

NICK

Miss Finlandbabe!

 

HECTOR

Miss Finlandbabe! … … ….., Miss Finland baby! Oh! … … Well, good luck with the elephants! Thank you, Miss Finland baby!

 

NICK

Miss Spainbabe!

 

 

 

 

HECTOR

Miss Spainbabe! …………….., Miss Spainbabe.

Oh, you are not Miss Spainbabe. …. …. Oh…., oh…, oh.

So Miss Italybabe, it says here that your hobbies are children and animals.

 

ANNIE

… … … of London.

Yes! It’s your favourite traffic warden. It’s me! I passed! Oh, where is everybody? Ohhh, the Eurobabe Contest.

 

HECTOR

Well, good luck with the dolphins. Thank you, Miss Italybabe! Miss Hungarybabe!! …. … … …., Miss Hungarybabe! Are you hungary? Are you hungary? Oh, you are not Miss Hungarybabe.

So welcome, Miss Ono. Bienvenue, Miss France baby. La belle.

 

Sound of door slamming

 

BRIDGET

How’s it going?

 

NICK

Very well, no problems.

She’s a bit emotional, I think.

 

BRIDGET

We’ve got big problems.

Miss Englandbabe will not come here. She’s broken a nail.

 

NICK

Ooh, nasty.

 

BRIDGET

But we’ve got to have a Miss Englandbabe. We are in London.

Yes, Eunice? Right away, Eunice. Eunice wants to see me – now. Think of something, Nick, and fast!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

The good news is: Hector is doing a fantastic job presenting the Miss Eurobabe Contest.

 

HECTOR

Eager to wear the Channel Nine Eurobabe crown!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

The bad news is: Miss England babe is not here.

 

BRIDGET

Miss Englandbabe is where?

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Her Porsche got clamped, Eunice wants to see me and I’ve had to leave Nick in charge!

 

NICK

Miss Spainbabe!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

It’s all going wrong. He better think of something – fast.

 

BRIDGET

Think of something, Nick, and fast!

 

NICK [Composing email]

Guess what? Hector and I are working on the Miss Eurobabe Contest! Wow! All those babes! Bridget has left me in charge. She’s a bit emotional, I think. One problem: there is no Miss England babe.

 

NICK

She’s a bit emotional, I think.

 

NICK [Composing email]

One problem – there is no Miss Englandbabe.

 

BRIDGET

She’s broken a nail.

 

NICK

Ooh, nasty.

 

NICK [Composing email]

But I think I have the solution.

 

HECTOR

And we come to our last contestant in this fantastic Eurobabe Contest! Last but not least, it is…, it is…. oh! Of course!

It is Miss Englandbabe! Welcome, Miss England.

 

NICK

Thank you, thank you.

 

HECTOR

Well, let’s find out about you. You like pizzas….

 

NICK

Uh-huh.

 

HECTOR

…rock ‘n roll and motorbikes. My kind of girl!

And dancing with women. I think you mean ‘men’. Dancing with….

 

BRIDGET

Nick!

 

Sound of applause

 

BRIDGET

What do you think you’re doing?

 

NICK

Well, you said you needed a Miss Englandbabe fast.

 

BRIDGET

I meant a woman.

 

ANNIE

Ooh, nice legs, Nick.

 

NICK

Thanks, Annie.

 

BRIDGET

Hi, Annie.

 


HECTOR

Thank you Miss Englandbabe.

Oh, and next, we find out why our babies want to represent their country.

 

ANNIE

There are beautiful women everywhere.

 

NICK

I know!

 

BRIDGET

Miss Englandbabe is still missing! What are we going to do?

Eunice said she’ll fire me if I don’t find someone.

 

ANNIE

Oh, no! No.

 

BRIDGET

Bingo!

 

NICK

Hey!

 

HECTOR

Oh, I hear we have a replacement for our last contestant. It is the new Miss England babe!

So tell me, Miss England baby, why do you want to represent your country?

 

ANNIE

I want to represent England because I care about the environment, pollution.

I care about people. And I have great legs!

 

Sound of applause/whistling

 

HECTOR

And the winner of the Channel Nine Eurobabe Contest is… Miss England baby!

Congratulations, Annie! You did it! You are the most beautiful traffic warden in Europe!

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Nick gets a job in a kung fu movie, Bridget nearly loses her job, and what happens when Annie meets a new man?

EXTRA, don’t miss it!

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