17_Extra_English_Cyber_Stress

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Narrative

 

ACTOR ON TV

Oh darling, no. I’ll die without you.

 

NICK

He’s Robert. He ran away with Jenny.

 

HECTOR

Oh no!

 

NICK

That’s why she can’t marry Lionel.

 

HECTOR

Oh, that is so sad.

 

NICK

I know.

 

HECTOR

But doesn’t Jenny know that Lionel is her brother?

 

NICK

She had a car accident. She can’t remember.

 

HECTOR

That is terrible! Ooh!

 

NICK

Quick, quick, quick, quick! Go on!

Kick it! Kick it!

 

BRIDGET

Football!

Hi boys.

 

NICK

Oh, hi, Bridget.

 

HECTOR

Hi, Bridget.

 

NICK

Oof!

 

BRIDGET

I need your help.

 

NICK

Sure.

What is it?

 

BRIDGET

I’m going to buy a new computer for work.

NICK

Oh! I know everything about computers.

 

BRIDGET

Great! I need one with a lot of gigabytes…

 

NICK

Uh-huh.

 

BRIDGET

…good RAM memory…

 

NICK

 

BRIDGET

all the software compatibility and the top processor.

 

NICK

Hmm!

Maybe this one?

 

HECTOR

No, this one hasn’t got what she wants.

 

NICK

Oh, and you understand what she wants?

 

HECTOR

Yeah.

You don’t?

 

NICK

Of course I do.

 

HECTOR

Well, so do I.

 

BRIDGET

So? Have you decided which one?

 

NICK

Who’s going to pay for it?

 

BRIDGET

It’s for work, so they’ll pay for it.

 

NICK

Oh, [erm,], this one then.

 

HECTOR

This one is the most expensive!

 

NICK

It’s a nice colour.

 

HECTOR

Well, it has everything you want.

 

BRIDGET

Do you think more SDI sockets, or the analogue input?

 


NICK

Eh-hum.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, forget it. I’ll order it now.

 

ANNIE

[Sound of gasping]

Oh, come on, come on!

 

BRIDGET

What are you doing out here?

 

ANNIE

Waiting for my examination results.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, your results are arriving today?

 

ANNIE

What have you done to Teddy?

 

BRIDGET

Hmm? Oh.

Brad Pitt is much more handsome than Teddy.

 

Sound of letters being posted through letterbox

 

ANNIE

Oh, where is it? Ah, bill, bill, nothing, nothing, bill…

Aha!

Oh, it’s not my examination results.

 

BRIDGET

It’s from the landlady.

 

ANNIE

It says we are too noisy.

 

BRIDGET

Noisy? She’s written to the wrong apartment. My new computer’s here! Well, Nick? Open it.

 

Sound of screaming

 

BRIDGET

We’re never noisy!

 

Sound of paper being torn up

 

BRIDGET

My new computer’s here! Well, Nick! [Sound of clicking fingers] Open it!

 

NICK

Why me?

 

BRIDGET

 

NICK

Whoa!

 

HECTOR & BRIDGET

Wow!

 

NICK

Oh!

 

BRIDGET

Anything else?

 

HECTOR

Well, it’s a very big box. Aha! Aha!

 

BRIDGET

What’s that?

 

HECTOR

Hmm, I think it’s the instructions.

 

BRIDGET

Great. Have fun.

 

NICK

Wait! Where are you going?

 

BRIDGET

Shopping. You better have finished when I get back.

 

NICK

Better have finished what?

 

BRIDGET

Installing the computer.

You do know everything about computers, don’t you?

 

NICK

Hah! No problem.

 

HECTOR

Oh! The instructions are all in English.

 

NICK

Ah-ah-ah – look. Oh, Hector, here’s a Spanish version. Oh yes….

 

HECTOR

Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

 

NICK

Right, let’s do it. Or don’t you know how to do it?!

 

HECTOR

I could do it with my eyes closed!

 

NICK

Hah!

Well, instructions are for girls!

 

Sound of discordant music

 

NICK

Oh yeah!

I  am the man!!

 

HECTOR

Yeah, but I did all the work.

 

NICK

You?

Huh! I did it.

 

HECTOR

Huh! I am the computer king.

 

NICK

Oh yeah?

 

HECTOR

 

NICK

You think you can beat me?

 

HECTOR

Huh! I already did.

 

NICK

Computers are easy. How about a real challenge?

 

HECTOR

Whatever challenge you like.

 

NICK

Right. Hah!

Man Olympics.

Challenge One: Who can put the most marshmallows in his mouth?!

 

HECTOR

Marsh…?

 

NICK

…mallows. Look, one. Hmm!

 

HECTOR & NICK

One, two, three, … four … … … ….

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Hi, Chrissy! Soon I’ll be emailing you on my new computer.

 

BRIDGET

I’m going to buy a new computer for work.

 

NICK

Oh!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

The boys are helping me and they seem to know everything about computers.

 

HECTOR

No, this one hasn’t got what she wants.

 

NICK

Oh, and you understand what she wants?

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Nadia, I don’t know whether I’ve passed or failed!

 

ANNIE

Come on, come on!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

If I don’t know my examination results soon, I will go crazy!

 

ANNIE

Oh where is it?!!

 

NICK

How about a real challenge?

 

NICK [Composing email]

Ten! Ten marshmallows I stuffed in my mouth – two more than Hector.

 

HECTOR

 

NICK [Composing email]

He’s not the man. I am. By the way, do you know anything about computers?

 

NICK

Well, instructions are for girls!

 

ANNIE

[Puffing and blowing noises/sound of paper being rustled]

 

BRIDGET

What’s that? Love letters?

 

ANNIE

No, I’ve got all the letters delivered to this building.

 

BRIDGET

You’ve got the neighbours’ letters?

 

ANNIE

Uh-huh. I’m sure my examination results are here.

 

BRIDGET

Where are the boys?

Ohhhh, they’ve installed my computer!

 

ANNIE

I think so.

 

Sound of toilet flushing

 

BRIDGET

Is that normal?

 

ANNIE

Bridget!!

 

BRIDGET

Nick? Hector? What are you doing?

 

NICK

Man Olympics. Challenge Two.

 

BRIDGET

What kind of a challenge?

 

NICK

Who can go the longest without, you know…. [sound of whistling]

 

BRIDGET

Falling down? Sneezing? Jumping?

 

HECTOR

No, no. Without going…, without doing…,

 

BRIDGET

Ohh! You want to spend a penny?

 

HECTOR

Spend a penny? I don’t want to go shopping!

 

NICK

No, no, no. She means… [sound of whistling]

 

BRIDGET

Stop thinking about your challenge and follow me.

 

ANNIE

Maybe I’ve passed! [Sound of musical fanfare]

Maybe I’ve failed. [Sound of low key music/burping noise]

 

Sound of door opening/closing

 

BRIDGET

You’re not going anywhere until it works.

 

NICK

Ooh! Oh, no!

 

HECTOR

Here, let me try.

 

NICK

Oh, you think you can do better.

 

HECTOR

I know I can do better.

 

NICK

Huh!!

 

HECTOR

I know a way from my country.

 

NICK

Really?

 

HECTOR

Really. My father taught me.

 

Banging sound

 

NICK

Hmm. Yes, we have that way in England too.

 

Banging sound

ANNIE

Oh, hi guys.

 

NICK

Hi.

Damn! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ah! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo! Hooo!

 

 

 

Assorted banging/buzzing/screeching noises

 

BRIDGET

Oh no! What happened?

 

NICK

It was like that before.

 

BRIDGET

It was not like that before.

 

NICK

 

BRIDGET

What are you doing?

 

HECTOR

Man Olympics. Challenge Three.

 

Dialling sound/mobile phone

 

BRIDGET

Hi, I need a man. No, you idiot! I need a man to fix the computer I bought. Tomorrow? Good. And I’d like him to be tall, dark, handsome.

Great, thanks. Bye. At last, a real man.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Chrissy! I had to call a man to repair my new computer!

 

BRIDGET

Hi, I need a man.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

It’s crazy! What happened to it?

 

NICK

It was like that before.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

I think Nick and Hector know.

 

BRIDGET

It was not like that before!

 

NICK

Sorry. Grrr! Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics.

 

BRIDGET

Grrr!

 

NICK [Composing email]

Hector thinks he can win the Man Olympics. Huh!

 

NICK

New challenge: to get as many girls to call us as possible.

Luckily my sister Mel has got loads of friends, so Hector does not stand a chance!

 


Sound of  phone ringing

 

BRIDGET

Oh, it’s Nick’s phone.

 

RECORDED MESSAGE

You have 23 new messages. Message 1: Hi bro, I’ve got all my friends to call you. Oh, I hear you and Bridget are history. That’s great news. I didn’t like her anyway. Message 2: Hi, Nick. Izzie here. Melanie asked me to give you a call. I hear you and Bridget are history.

 

Sound of phone ringing

 

BRIDGET

Hello, what?

Nicky Wick-wick is not here. Oh, is that Emma? Nick’s told me all about you. Yeah. You and your moustache.

 

Sound of phone and mobile ringing simultaneously

 

BRIDGET

Arrggh!Nick!

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

ANNIE

Mr Postman?

 

HECTOR

Man Olympics, Challenge Five.

 

NICK

Yeah. Ooh, errgghh, tug-of-war to see who is the strongest…, aahh, errghhh, oohhh.

 

NICK & HECTOR

Aaah!! … Ooohh!!

 

BRIDGET

They had a tug-of-war here?

 

ANNIE

Yes. They are so stupid!

 

BRIDGET

Who won?

 

ANNIE

I won.

 

BRIDGET

What’s wrong?

 

ANNIE

I want my examination results. Oh, where’s the post?

 

BRIDGET

Calm down.

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

ANNIE

The postman!

 


BRIDGET

The computer man! Well, hello there. Come in!

 

POSTMAN

But…

 

BRIDGET

I know what you’re going to say.

 

POSTMAN

But….

 

BRIDGET

It was like that when I bought it. So what do you think?

 

POSTMAN

It looks broken.

 

BRIDGET

Well, can you repair it?

 

POSTMAN

 

BRIDGET

You can’t repair it?

 

POSTMAN

 

BRIDGET

You don’t know how to?

 

POSTMAN

 

BRIDGET

Well, how can you be a repairman then?

 

POSTMAN

I’m not.

 

BRIDGET

You’re not a repairman?

 

POSTMAN

 

BRIDGET

Well, what are you then?

 

POSTMAN

I deliver special letters.

 

ANNIE

My letter! Oh!

 

POSTMAN

Annie Taylor?

 

ANNIE

Yes!

 

POSTMAN

This is for you.

 

ANNIE

Ohhhh! Yes! Ohh!

 

Sound of door being opened

 

NICK

Man Olympics, new challenge. First one to get – ti-ti-ti-ti – Annie’s letter!

 

Barn dance style atmospheric music

 

ANNIE

It’s mine! Oooh, I can’t look! You read it.

 

HECTOR

Pass!

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

COMPUTER REPAIRMAN [= PETER]

Computer problem, miss? I can fix anything.

 

BRIDGET

My hero! Oh, thank goodness you’re here.

 

HECTOR, NICK, ANNIE & BRIDGET

Aaah!

 

HECTOR

Oh, how did he do that?

 

ANNIE

Peter?

 

PETER

Annie?

 

ANNIE

It is you!

 

PETER

Yes!

 

ANNIE

Oh, he’s Peter, an old friend. Oh, it was so clever of you to fix the computer.

 

BRIDGET

Good-looking and intelligent. A rare combina….tion.

 

NICK

Right! That’s it!

Man Olympics!

 

HECTOR

New challenge.

 

PETER

What challenge?

 

NICK

Let’s see who the real men are. Hector and me, or you two.

 

POSTMAN

OK …

 

PETER

… What’s the challenge?

ANNIE

Let us decide.

 

BRIDGET

Yes, we’ll decide.

 

Sound of drumming

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Annie gets a new job, so does Hector, and why does Nick become a beauty queen?

EXTRA, don’t miss it.

 

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