15_Extra_English_The_bouncer

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Narrative

 

HECTOR

Ohh, ohhh!

 

ANNIE

Hector, stop being such a baby.

 

HECTOR

But it hurts!

 

ANNIE

I haven’t touched you yet.

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Now stay still.

You will just feel a little needle prick.

 

HECTOR

Oh, go on then.

Hurt me, do it!

 

ANNIE

Hector!

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Hector!

 

HECTOR

Ohhhhh!

 

ANNIE

I’ve done it.

 

HECTOR

Huh?

 

ANNIE

I’ve removed the splinter.

 

HECTOR

Huh? Oh, er, yes, I knew that. I was joking.

 

ANNIE

What is it, are you scared of needles?

 

 

HECTOR

Who, me? Don’t be silly. But it was a very painful splinter.

 

ANNIE

OK, so if you’re not scared of needles, would you have a tattoo?

 

HECTOR

A tattoo?!

Yes, yes, I would.

 

ANNIE

Go on then, tough guy.

 

HECTOR

OK, I’ll have one if you have one.

 

ANNIE

OK. OK, it’s a deal.

Oh, by the way, Hector…

 

HECTOR

Hmm?

 

ANNIE

I had this done this morning.

But then, a deal is a deal, isn’t it?

 

Sound of door slamming

 

NICK

I – want a word with you.

 

ANNIE

Tough guy, eh?

 

HECTOR

Yeah. What do you want?

 

NICK

I – don’t. I don’t. I… keep forgetting this bit: I – don’t – like – your – face.

 

ANNIE

OK, so is this for television or theatre?

 

NICK

Nope.

This is real. This is me.

 

ANNIE

And you are…?

 

NICK

Can’t you guess?

Guys, you are looking at Muscles.

 

HECTOR

Where?

 

NICK

No, no, no. It’s my new name. I am the new man on the door at Ice.

 

 

ANNIE

What, you’re a bouncer?

 

HECTOR

What is a bouncer?

 

ANNIE

It’s someone who throws people out of night-clubs.

 

NICK

Uh-uh-uh. I am an entry executive.

 

ANNIE

So you throw people out of the club.

 

NICK

 

ANNIE

Nick, my granny could beat you up.

 

NICK

Ah!

But if your granny came to Ice and caused trouble, I would have to ask her to leave.

Besides, I’d have Knuckles, Cruncher and Muncher to back me up.

 

HECTOR

Who?

 

NICK

The other bouncers.

 

HECTOR

Yeah, right.

 

Sound of door slamming

 

NICK

Hi, sweetie.

 

BRIDGET

Has someone died?

 

NICK

No, not yet.

 

BRIDGET

Why are you dressed in black then?

 

NICK

Because, baby, you are looking at the new man on the door at Ice.

 

BRIDGET

You are on the door at Ice?

 

NICK

Uh-huh.

 

BRIDGET

But that’s.., but that’s wonderful news! What shall I wear? I’ll call the girls to find out what they’re wearing.

NICK

The thing is, Bridget, if your name’s not on the guest list, then you can’t come in.

 

BRIDGET

Nick, if my name’s not on the guest list, then you can’t come home.

 

Sound of mobile phone ringing

 

NICK

Hello? Oh! Hi!

Yup, that’s right. I start on Friday. OK, baby! No probs. Leave it with me. Ciao! [Sound of sniggering/Nick clears throat]

My mum. She wants me to do some gardening for her.

 

NICK [Composing email]

Dan, guess what?! I’ve got a new job!

I’m a bouncer at Ice!

Oh, this club is very trendy, very exclusive!

 

NICK

I am the new man on the door at Ice!

 

NICK [Composing email]

Hey! When the girls see me on the door they won’t want to go in!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Nick has got a job as a bouncer at Ice.

 

NICK

I – don’t – like – your – face.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

If he doesn’t get me on the guest list, he is in big trouble!

 

NICK

If your name’s not on the guest list, then you can’t come in.

 

Sound of puffing and panting

 

ANNIE

Hector, I just won… What are you doing?

 

HECTOR

Oh, just looking for a number.

 

ANNIE

Oh, I see.

Well, I just wondered if you wanted to share my chocolate with me before Bridget sees it.

 

HECTOR

Oh yeah! Great! Thanks.

Annie?

 

ANNIE

Huh?

 

HECTOR

Did I tell you about the time three people tried to fight me?

 

ANNIE

All at once?

 

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Really?

 

HECTOR

Uh-huh.

 

ANNIE

Oh, well, go on.

 

HECTOR

Well, three of them, they came at me…

 

ANNIE

Oh, you poor thing! And what did they want?

 

HECTOR

My sweets.

 

ANNIE

Oh. And how old were you?

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

And they were…?

 

HECTOR

Five, three and two.

 

ANNIE

Hector! Two years old! They were babies!

 

HECTOR

Yeah, but the Sanchez sisters were really tough!

 

ANNIE

Oh, Hector, you are sweet.

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

Hmm?

 

HECTOR

Do you think I should be more macho?

 

ANNIE

Oh, Hector. You don’t have to be a tough guy for me.

I love you just the way you are.

 

HECTOR

Oh, Annie.

 

ANNIE

Come on, let’s eat this chocolate before Bridget finds it.

 

 

HECTOR

Oh, please, let me.

 

ANNIE

Oh. Oh! Ooh, you’re so strong! Oh!

 

HECTOR

Ow!

 

ANNIE

What is it?

 

HECTOR

You are standing on my foot.

 

ANNIE

 

Sound of door shutting

HECTOR

Ah, hi, Nick.

 

NICK

Oh, hi. Hey, listen to this. “Bouncer of the month is Alex Smith who last year stopped 955 people from going into his club.”

 

HECTOR

What is the name of the club?

 

NICK

Er, it doesn’t say.

It shut down last week.

Not enough people were going there.

 

HECTOR

 

NICK

Huh?

 

HECTOR

What is a wimp?

 

NICK

Huh! Well, it’s not… Ha-ah-ah …

 

HECTOR

Annie just called me a wimp.

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

I want to be a tough guy, like you.

 

NICK

Huh?

 

HECTOR

Can you teach me? Please?

 

 

NICK

Of course. I was born like this, but I can try to help you, Hector, I can try.

 

HECTOR

Great. Why don’t you show me how to be a bouncer.

 

NICK

At – it – tude.

 

HECTOR

At – it – tude?

 

NICK

Yeah, like this. “Are you looking at me?”

 

HECTOR

“Are you looking at me?”

 

NICK

“Are you looking at me?”

 

HECTOR

“Are you looking at me?”

 

NICK

Hey, great!

 

HECTOR

So who am I looking at when I say that?

 

NICK

Anyone who is looking for trouble.

 

HECTOR

Aha!

And how do I know they are looking for trouble?

 

NICK

You just know.

 

HECTOR

What is this?

 

NICK

Bridget’s old toys!

 

HECTOR

What are they doing under your bed then?

 

NICK

I was looking after them for her.

Anyway, look, here, this is the club. “You – cannot – come in.” “Let me in!” “Are you looking at me or chewing a brick, eh? ‘Cause either way, you’ll lose your teeth.”

 

HECTOR

Huh?

 

NICK

You know – brick, teeth, chew – cha-cha-cha-cha!

 

 

HECTOR

Ah, very good!

 

NICK

“You are a very scary guy. Hmm!”

 

HECTOR

Yeah. “Look! It’s handsome Nick! Ohhh! Ohhh! Look at his muscles. Hmmm!”

 

NICK

“Hellooooo! You are looking lovely tonight.”

 

NICK & HECTOR

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! …. … .. . …. . ..

 

HECTOR

“Leave my boyfriend alone!”

 

NICK

“It’s OK, Bridget. I’m just doing my job.” … … … …

 

NICK

If your name’s not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. If your name’s not on the guest list, then you cannot come in. Huh! Hmm! Please could I have your name, sir?

 

MAN OUTSIDE CLUB

What do you want that for?

 

NICK

Because if your name’s not on the … guest list, you cannot come in.

 

MAN OUTSIDE CLUB

And what are you going to do about it, pip-squeak?

 

NICK

I …, I …

 

MAN OUTSIDE CLUB

… … Shall be a good boy! Aah-aah!

 

BRIDGET

Didn’t you hear what the man said? He said, “Go. Disappear. Vanish. Evaporate – now!”

 

MAN OUTSIDE CLUB

OK, I’m going!

 

NICK

Sorry you had to see that, Bridget.

Course I had the situation completely under control.

 

BRIDGET

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

NICK

So, Bridget, why are you here?

 

 

BRIDGET

Hmm, what? Oh, I’ve brought you some sandwiches.

 


NICK

Oh, Bridget, how nice of you. Huh! Where are they?

 

BRIDGET

Where are what?

 

NICK

The sandwiches.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, I must have left them behind. Never mind!

So, who’s here tonight?

 

NICK

I’m afraid I can’t tell you. It’s confidential. Ha-ha-hum.

OK, well, there’s the usual crowd – Heidi, Kate, Naomi – oops! Sorry, Bridget! I have work to do. Good evening, ladies!

Could I have your names, please? Thank you. Just one more thing. Bridget? Arms up, please, ladies. Hmm, you see, hmm, very nice. Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies. Have a great evening.

All part of the job.

 

BRIDGET

OK, Nick. So when is it my turn? I want to go in!

 

NICK

Oh, Bridget, Bridget, Bridget. I promise. As soon as I can arrange it, I will, hmm?

Look, there’s a big Latino night next week. J-Lo will be coming. Leave it to me.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, thank you, Nick!

 

NICK

Oh-oh … [clears throat] Stand back. I need to take control.

 

Sound of slow handclap

 

BRIDGET

Good! Everything is under control.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I do love Hector, but I think he’s a bit of a wimp.

 

ANNIE

Wimp!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

At least Nick has a tough-guy job at Ice!

 

NICK [Composing email]

I’ve started my new job at Ice.

 

NICK

Good evening ladies!

 

NICK [Composing email]

There was one guy who was looking for trouble, but it was OK.

I had everything under control!

 

NICK

I have the situation completely under control.

 


BRIDGET

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

NICK [Composing email]

Bridget was very impressed, especially as J-Lo is coming next week.

 

NICK

J-Lo will be coming!

 

BRIDGET

[Whispering reverentially]

J-Lo!

 

HECTOR

Annie?

 

ANNIE

Hmm?

 

HECTOR

About the tattoo.

 

ANNIE

 

HECTOR

Er-hmm. Look.

 

ANNIE

Oh! You did it! Ohh, and Hector, what a wonderful tattoo! Oh, I don’t know what to say! Oh!

 

HECTOR

Oh, it was nothing.

And I mean it, Hector and Annie forever.

 

ANNIE

Oh, and look! Charley likes the tattoo as well.

Oh, Charley!

Oh, Hector!

 

HECTOR

Oh!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, pl-ease. I’ve just eaten!

 

ANNIE

Bridget, look. Hector has had a tattoo done just for me!

Oh, isn’t it romantic?

 

BRIDGET

Hec-ne-ver. Hec-ne-ver? It doesn’t sound very romantic. What does it mean?

 

ANNIE

What happened? It’s coming off! Oh. Charley has licked it off.

It’s a fake.

Hector, you wimp!

 

Sound of mobile phone ringing

 

HECTOR

Hi, Nick.

 

NICK

What’s the joke?

 

HECTOR

I am.

 

NICK

Oh.

Listen, J-Lo is coming to Ice tonight, so we need extra bouncers, so you will be working with me on the door!

 

HECTOR

But…

 

NICK

And tell Bridget and Annie they are on the guest list. OK, tough guy?

 

HECTOR

 

Sound of Annie and Bridget laughing in background

 

Sound of Hector and Nick making assorted macho type noises

 

NICK

Hey! Yeah.

Good evening, ladies! You are looking lovely tonight.

 

ANNIE

Oh, Hector, you look so handsome. I’m sorry I laughed at your tattoo.

 

HECTOR

Annie, Annie, Annie, I am on duty.

 

BRIDGET

Is J-Lo here yet?

 

NICK

She’s here.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, goodie!

I love mixing with the stars.

 

NICK

Hi.

 

MAN

She’s cute. Hi, gorgeous.

 

HECTOR

What did he say?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Was he…? [Makes whistling noise]

 

NICK

Erm….

 

HECTOR

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

 

MAN

What are you looking at?

 

HECTOR

I am looking at you looking at her.

 

MAN

I can look at her.

 

HECTOR

Not when I am looking at her looking at you.

 

NICK

I think you mean: Not when I’m looking at you looking at her.

 

HECTOR

That is what I said!

 

MAN

You know what? I tell you I’m gonna buy her a drink, OK?

 

HECTOR

What did he say?

 

NICK

I think he said he’s gonna buy her a drink.

Oh, Hector, no.

 

HECTOR

Right, that is it! I am going in!

 

NICK

No, Hector, don’t. Please…

 

HECTOR

Oy, you! Leave my girl alone!

Nick! Nick!

His mate is chatting up Bridget.

 

NICK

Right, that’s it! I’m going in!

Oy, you! Leave my girl alone!

 

Sound of crashing/shouting

 

CLUB MANAGER [off screen]

Muscles, you’re fired! And so is your friend!

 

NICK

That was great!

 

BRIDGET

I didn’t even see J-Lo.

 

ANNIE

See, Hector? I knew you weren’t a wimp.

 

 

COMMENTARY: [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Annie is revising for her exams, Bridget has a make-over and guess who is coming to stay? EXTRA, don’t miss it!

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