14_Extra_English_Changes

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Narrative

 

NICK

Oh, Bridget, this is wonderful.

 

BRIDGET

I’m so glad you like it, Nick.

 

NICK

I just can’t get enough of it. More, more, more!

 

BRIDGET

Nick, honey, there’s plenty more where that came from. Nick?

 

NICK

Yes, Bridget darling?

 

BRIDGET

How long have we been together now?

 

NICK

Erm…

 

BRIDGET

We’ve been together two days, Nick.

 

NICK

Wow! That long? Hmm!

 

BRIDGET

Yes, it is a long time, Nick. But if we are to continue our relationship, you must…, will you…, will you treat me like a lady?

 

NICK

Bridget darling, just call me Gentleman Nick.

 

BRIDGET

Nick! Nick! You must…, there must be more…

 

NICK

Snogging!

 

BRIDGET

There must be more respect.

 

NICK

[Makes belching noise]

 

BRIDGET

Oh, Nick. Let’s see what sort of gentleman you are. Here’s a little test. Follow me. Well?

 

NICK

Well, what?

 

 

BRIDGET

I want to go out.

 

NICK

 

BRIDGET

So…, what do you do?

 

NICK

Kiss you goodbye!

 

BRIDGET

No. You open the door for me.

 

NICK

Huh? Ah! Because I am the strongest – drrrrrhhhh! Ooh-arrr! Ooharrr! Tarzan!!!

 

ANNIE

Oh, come on, Ziggy, we’ll be late.

 

HECTOR

Is just you and Ziggy doing this protest?

 

ANNIE

Yes, but when other people see how important it is, they’ll join us. We must stop!

 

Sound of Hector’s mobile phone ringing

 

HECTOR

Oh, excuse me, Annie. Hola Papa ….. ….. …. ….

 

ANNIE

Problems?

 

HECTOR

What?

Oh, no, no, no. No problems at all.

 

ANNIE

Oh, look! There’s Ziggy. Must dash.

 

HECTOR

Have fun!

 

ANNIE

This is not fun.

This is serious.

 

HECTOR

This is serious too!

 

BRIDGET

Now, clothes.

 

NICK

What?

 

BRIDGET

I want you more like David Beckham.

 

NICK

Ah, like this!

BRIDGET

Now where is it? Aha! Here it is. Now come here.

 

NICK

Really, Bridget, I don’t think…

 

BRIDGET

Oh, don’t be silly, Nick. There! That’s better. Now, we must go deeper. There is a bigger problem. You have a lot of anger in there.

 

NICK

Well, yes, I am wearing this stupid hair-band.

 

BRIDGET

So we must work on your inner calm. I want to see your chest.

 

NICK

Ha-ha-humm!! OK!

 

BRIDGET

Lie down. Close your eyes. And relax.

 

NICK

Ahhh!

 

BRIDGET

Now this may tickle a bit. Ready? Here goes!

 

NICK

Yahhhh!

 

BRIDGET

Just feel that anger go!

Acupuncture never fails.

Oh, hi, Mrs Romero.

 

MRS ROMERO

Hello, Bridget. Where is Hector?

 

NICK

Hello, Mrs Romero.

 

BRIDGET

Do you remember Nick, Mrs Romero?

 

NICK

Time to party!!

 

MRS ROMERO

Nicky! I can’t forget him.

 

HECTOR

Oh! Hola, Mama! Sorry I’m late. Coffee?

 

MRS ROMERO

Oh, yes please.

 

BRIDGET

Excuse us, Mrs Romero. Come on, Nick, I’m taking you shopping.

 

NICK

Uh-uh.

 

BRIDGET

Oh? So you want some more acupuncture?

 

NICK

OK, OK, I’m coming, I’m coming.

 

BRIDGET

And don’t forget your money.

 

NICK

Pfwoarrr!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, you are learning quickly.

 

NICK

Pfwoarrr!

 

MRS ROMERO

…………………………………

 

HECTOR

Oh, gracias, Mama.

 

MRS ROMERO

…………………………………

 

HECTOR

………………………………..

 

NICK [Composing email]

Hey, Dan!

Guess who I’m going out with? Bridget!

At last she realises that I am the one for her!

The only problem is, she doesn’t like my manners or my hair or my clothes.

 

BRIDGET

I want you more like David Beckham.

 

NICK

Ah, like this?

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Chrissy, I’ve been going out with Nick for two days now and he is perfect for me.

 

NICK

Wow! That long? Hmm!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Well, when I’ve changed him a bit, he will be perfect.

 

BRIDGET

Oh! You are learning quickly!

 

NICK

Pfwoarrr!

 

MRS ROMERO

……………………………………..

 

HECTOR

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Mother, when in London, we speak English.

 

MRS ROMERO

Yes, we must.

English is the language of high class, so I must teach it…

 

HECTOR

… Learn.

 

MRS ROMERO

 

HECTOR

You must learn it, not teach it.

 

MRS ROMERO

Oh, yes. So your father has found you a wife.

 

HECTOR

He told me.

He must stop shopping on E-Bay. Look, Mum, I don’t want a wife. I’ve got Annie.

 

MRS ROMERO

This girl is from a good family.

 

HECTOR

So is Annie.

 

MRS ROMERO

This girl is rich.

 

HECTOR

I don’t care about money.

 

MRS ROMERO

But she’s almost royalty.

 

HECTOR

Mum, Annie is my princess.

 

MRS ROMERO

But she’s so…

 

HECTOR

She’s so clever, so kind, so happy!

Annie?

 

MRS ROMERO

Very happy!

 

HECTOR

What happened?

 

ANNIE

Ziggy and I were in a field lying down.

 

MRS ROMERO

Sunbathing?

 

ANNIE

 

HECTOR

And…?

 

ANNIE

It began to rain.

 

HECTOR

Oh, poor Annie.

 

MRS ROMERO

Don’t touch her!

 

HECTOR

Now listen, Mum, I told you I love Annie.

 

MRS ROMERO

Be careful, your pullover.

 

ANNIE

Hector, your mother’s right. Don’t touch me!

 

MRS ROMERO

Oh ………………………….

 

HECTOR

Why did you do that?

 

MRS ROMERO

Because I love you, darling.

 

HECTOR

If you knew Annie, you would love her.

 

MRS ROMERO

Well, I’m going home tomorrow.

 

HECTOR

Look, Mum, come to dinner tonight and you will meet the real Annie.

And if you don’t like her, then…, then I might marry the princess Dad has found.

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

HECTOR

Annie? Annie.

 

ANNIE

Yes, Hector?

 

HECTOR

Can we talk?

 

ANNIE

If that’s OK with your mother.

 

HECTOR

Oh, Annie, she’s gone to her hotel now.

 

ANNIE

Huh!

 

HECTOR

Look, she’s going home tomorrow and I thought we would invite her to dinner tonight.

 

ANNIE

Well, I’m going out.

 

HECTOR

Annie, please don’t be silly.

Stay and be nice to her. She is OK really.

 

ANNIE

Well, OK then.

But you must do one thing for me.

 

HECTOR

Sure. What?

 

ANNIE

Scrub my back.

 

HECTOR

Oh, but I am still dressed.

 

ANNIE

So am I. Well, I can’t put these in the washing machine. They’re filthy.

 

ANNIE

Umm, apricot?

 

HECTOR

No.

Annie, will you behave?

 

ANNIE

When?

 

HECTOR

When my mother comes to dinner.

 

ANNIE

Hmm, probably.

 

HECTOR

Annie, I have an idea.

Nick is pretending to be someone different.

 

BRIDGET

Nick isn’t pretending.

This is the new Nick. Isn’t it, Nick.

 

HECTOR

You can pretend as well. You can pretend to be what my mother wants.

 

ANNIE

What, Princess Caroline of Monaco?

 

HECTOR

Look, Nick is pretending to be what Bridget wants.

 

NICK

Yeah. A slave.

 

BRIDGET

How can I help?

As you can see, I’m a talented stylist. Could I have some more cola, please, sweetie?

 

 

 

HECTOR

My mother is coming to dinner tonight.

 

BRIDGET

Oh! So what’s on the menu?

 

ANNIE

I am!

 

NICK

What sort of food does your mother like?

 

ANNIE

Babies on toast?

 

HECTOR

I don’t know.

A traditional English dish.

 

ANNIE

I am not going to pretend to eat meat.

 

NICK

How about roast Annie? Ha-ha!!

 

BRIDGET

I know. What about sweet and sour prawn balls?

Sweet for me…

 

NICK

And sour for Hector’s mum!

 

BRIDGET

Nick, behave.

 

HECTOR

Very funny.

I will cook dinner.

 

BRIDGET

And Nick will look after your mother because he’s such a gentleman now.

 

NICK

Don’t you worry about Mrs R. She’ll have a great time. Leave it to me.

 

HECTOR

So, Annie, will you pretend?

 

ANNIE

OK, Hector. For you, tonight I will pretend to be the perfect girlfriend.

 

BRIDGET

Annie, you and I are going shopping.

 

BRIDGET

It’s obvious.

Urrghh! Too Margaret Thatcher.

Hector will love it, but, no.

Perfect!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Nadia,

Hector’s mother was here again today. Ooohhh! She is so rude to me.

MRS ROMERO

Don’t touch her!

 

ANNIE

Your mother’s right. Don’t touch me!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Worse still, she’s coming to dinner tonight and Hector wants me to pretend to be the ‘perfect girlfriend’!

 

BRIDGET

No!

 

HECTOR

You can pretend to be what my mother wants.

 

ANNIE

What? Princess Caroline of Monaco?

 

BRIDGET

Perfect!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

It’s working. I’m changing Nick into the perfect boyfriend.

 

NICK

Yeah.

 

Assorted background noises

 

HECTOR

Wow! Annie! You look great.

 

ANNIE

I look 45 years old.

 

HECTOR

But my mother will like it.

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

NICK

Ah-hah-hah!

Snap!

 

MRS ROMERO

Versace?

 

ANNIE

Marks and Spencer’s.

 

HECTOR

… … … … …

 

MRS ROMERO

Yes ………………………

 

BRIDGET

Have you enjoyed your visit to London, Mrs Romero?

 

MRS ROMERO

I love London. We often visit our friends, Liz and Phil.

ANNIE

And where do they live?

 

MRS ROMERO

Buckingham Palace.

 

NICK

There you are, Mrs Romero.

 

MRS ROMERO

Oh, you’re so handsome, Nick.

 

HECTOR

Annie has had an interesting day today, haven’t you, Annie.

Go on, Annie, tell Mother about your interesting day.

 

ANNIE

OK. Well, our GM protest went very well today.

 

MRS ROMERO

What’s GM?

 

BRIDGET

I don’t know. Erm, Great Men, a Great Men protest.

 

MRS ROMERO

Really?

 

ANNIE

It means genetically modified.

 

HECTOR

Listen, Mum.

 

ANNIE

So, so the farmer came over to see what we were doing…

 

MRS ROMERO

Oh, GM, GM! Gorgeous Men! Oooh!

 

NICK

Another drink, Mrs R?

 

MRS ROMERO

Oh yes, Nick, please.

You have lovely eyes.

 

ANNIE

Anyway, he told us to go away and when we wouldn’t…

 

NICK

There you are, madam.

 

MRS ROMERO

Where did you learn your beautiful manners?

 

NICK

Oh, I was born with them.

 

MRS ROMERO

Sit down.

 

 

ANNIE

And then the police arrested us, but I escaped prison so I could be here tonight.

 

HECTOR

[Laughs nervously]

It is a joke!

Come on, Mum, talk to Annie.

 

MRS ROMERO

So Annie, Hector tells me you like animals.

 

ANNIE

Oh, I love them, but I don’t eat them. I’m a vegetarian.

 

MRS ROMERO

How odd.

 

NICK

If we cannot eat animals, why are they made of meat then? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

 

MRS ROMERO

[Laughing]

You’re so funny, Nick. But I do love horses.

 

ANNIE

Oh yes, they’re wonderful.

 

MRS ROMERO

And I love riding.

I love your English hunt.

Yes, the dogs, the handsome men in red coats.

 

ANNIE

The dead fox.

 

MRS ROMERO

Yes, the dead fox.

 

ANNIE

No! It’s cruel. The poor fox.

 

MRS ROMERO

What do you know?

You are not from a good family.

 

ANNIE

There’s nothing wrong with my family.

 

MRS ROMERO

You are not family of beauty.

 

ANNIE

Well, anyway, I don’t believe that Hector is your son. He’s too good-looking.

 

MRS ROMERO

Right, that’s it. I’m going.

 

HECTOR

Mum, Annie didn’t mean…, Annie, and Mum didn’t mean…

 

MRS ROMERO & ANNIE

Yes we did!

 

ANNIE

And another thing.

You won’t need hounds on a hunt.

When the fox sees you coming, he’ll run.

 

MRS ROMERO

Hector, I shall see you in Argentina for your wedding. To our perfect princess.

 

Sound of door slamming

 

NICK

Well, that went rather well, didn’t it!

 

MRS ROMERO

Oh, who is this? He’s darling!

 

HECTOR

Oh, that’s Charlie. Charlie belongs to Annie….

 

ANNIE

… Me!

He’s my baby.

 

MRS ROMERO

Isn’t he gorgeous.

Yes, darling, here’s Mummy.

 

NICK

[Makes nervous laughing noise]

 

HECTOR

Women!

 

BRIDGET

So Hector, who’s this Latin American princess?

 

HECTOR

Er, well, my father wants me to marry her, but I will not, of course.

 

NICK

Well, if you don’t want her, I’ll have her.

 

BRIDGET

More wine, Nick!

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Nick gets a job as a bouncer.

 

NICK

If your name’s not on the guest list, then you cannot come in! Huh!

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Annie gets a tattoo, and Hector wants to be a tough guy. EXTRA, don’t miss it.

 

BRIDGET

I love mixing with the stars!

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