12_Extra_English_Football_Crazy

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Narrative

 

NICK

Nearly ready. Oh, there we are! Oh, perfect! Now – the living room! Oh, there! Just there! Oh, yeah, perfect, baby! Now, refreshments!

Ha-haa! Cola – yes! Crisps – yes! And finally, mwah! Dial-A-Pizza – yes! Ohh! Only two hours to go!

 

BRIDGET

Nick!

What is your television doing in my bathroom?

 

NICK

Oh, hi Bridget. So I don’t miss anything.

 

BRIDGET

Miss anything?

 

NICK

Yeah, if I have to, you know, when the match is on.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, the match. So who’s playing today?

 

NICK

It’s the semi-finals. England…

 

BRIDGET

Versus…?

 

HECTOR

Ar-gen-tina!

 

NICK

Hey, Hector, great outfit – but wrong team! Ha-haaa!

 

HECTOR  & NICK

Oooohhhh!

 

NICK

And I’ve got my lucky World Cup pants on. Ooh-ooh-ooohhh!

 

BRIDGET

Your lucky World Cup pants?

 

NICK

Yup. I don’t change them when the World Cup is on.

 

BRIDGET

But it lasts for weeks.

 

NICK

Yeah!

So, Hector, I’ve got the refreshments ready – Cola, crisps…

 

BRIDGET

TV in the bathroom.

 

HECTOR

At what time is kick-off?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Oh, we had better sit down then!

 

ANNIE

Hello, everyone. Charlie and I are ready for the match.

 

HECTOR

Oh, Annie, you look nice!

 

BRIDGET

Your ribbons are different.

 

ANNIE

That’s right. One for England and one for Argentina.

 

HECTOR

Oh, how sweet.

 

NICK

But of course England will win.

 

HECTOR

I don’t think so, Nick.

 

NICK

We beat Jamaica 4-2.

 

HECTOR

But we beat Italy 3-0.

 

NICK

Well, our strikers are the best in the world.

 

HECTOR

But your defence is poor.

 

NICK

No, it’s not.

 

HECTOR

Yes, it is.

 

NICK

It’s not! It’s not! It’s not!

 

HECTOR

It is! It is! It is!

 

ANNIE

Break!

And now make friends.

 

 

 

Sound of dog barking

 

BRIDGET

Oh, you’re so childish. Miguel arrives today. At least he’s a real man.

 

NICK

Yeah, but he loves football too.  [Sound of telephone ringing]  … A Spanish supporter.

 

BRIDGET

Hello?

 

NICK

We’ll beat them, in the final.

 

BRIDGET

Nick, for you. Your agent.

 

NICK

Ooh, goodie! Hi, Cameron. How are you? Good.

An audition? For me? Hey-hey! What for? London On Fire? The soap? Yessss! When? Today? At midday? Where? Birmingham? But that’s 100 miles away! No, of course I’m pleased!

OK, thank you! Bye!

 

ANNIE

An audition for London On Fire? That’s brilliant!

 

HECTOR

Yeah, you must be pleased, man.

 

NICK

Yes, I am.

I am very, very pleased.

I am so happy.

 

HECTOR

I can see that.

 

NICK

Why today? Why this afternoon? Why in Birmingham? What about the football?

 

BRIDGET

Oh, it’s only a football game.

 

NICK

Bridget, there are some people who think that football is a matter of life and death. It isn’t. It is much-more important-than-that!

 

BRIDGET

Don’t go to the audition then.

 

NICK

Don’t go? Don’t go? I must go. Drama is my life.

 

ANNIE

Look, Nick, we can record it for you.

 

HECTOR

Yeah, and we won’t tell you the score.

 

NICK

Really? You won’t tell me the score. You promise?

 

ANNIE

 

HECTOR

 

BRIDGET

OK, promise.

 

NICK

OK! I will go – and perform for England!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

World Cup! World Cup! World Cup!

Today England play Argentina.

 

NICK

But of course England will win.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Do I care?

 

HECTOR & NICK

Ooooooohhhhh!

 

NICK [Composing email]

The good news is: I have an audition for London On Fire. I am so happy.

 

NICK

Yesss!

 

NICK [Composing email]

The bad news is: it’s in Birmingham this afternoon, so I won’t see the semi-final! What a tragedy!

 

NICK

I am so happy! [Sobbing noises]

 

BRIDGET

I don’t believe it. It’s a very, very bad hair day. Oh, and Miguel is arriving this evening.

It’s a disaster.

Ohhh! It’s a catastrophe.

I said, it’s a catastrophe.

 

HECTOR

What is a catastrophe?

 

ANNIE

Bridget’s hair.

 

HECTOR

 

BRIDGET

Got to do something.

I know – Carol! She’ll help me.

 

VOICE ON TELEVISION

…we’ve got all the action coming up.

 

 

 

 

BRIDGET

Hello? Carol? Bridget here. Look, this is an emergency. I need a hair appointment. I need a style that a Spanish football fan will adore.

You can? Oh, goodie.

I’ll see you at 5 o’clock.

Sorted!

 

VOICE ON TELEVISION

…this semi-final we’re seeing the two giants of football, England and Argentina…

 

BRIDGET

Come on, England!

 

HECTOR

Come on, Argentina!

 

VOICE ON TELEVISION

…but that strong team. England … … … I think … … score! Yes! It looks like it – aww! Oh! Now, Argentina, have they got … … .. They’re looking dangerous! They’ve got through the defence and, and they score! Come on, England. They’ve got to pull themselves together. And who’s this? Look at him. … … … … … … … match and England have … … … and yes! … … …! … … …

BRIDGET

Wow! What a game!

 

ANNIE

Yeah, it was fantastic!

Oh, poor Hector.

Argentina did very well against England.

 

BRIDGET

Yeah, but not well enough!

 

ANNIE

Ooh, we must not look too happy.

We promised Nick not to tell him the score and Hector, you must not look too sad.

Come on, try to smile. Come on, snuggly-puppykins. Like this. Hmm, it’ll do.

 

Sound of door opening

 

ANNIE

Oh, hi Nick.

 

NICK

 

BRIDGET

Hi, Nick.

 

NICK

Good match?

 

ANNIE

You know, so-so.

 

BRIDGET

 

NICK

Where’s the tape?

 

 

BRIDGET

Hector’s got it.

 

NICK

Where’s Hector?

 

BRIDGET

In your apartment.

 

NICK

Oh. Bye then.

 

BRIDGET and ANNIE

 

Sound of door slamming

 

ANNIE and BRIDGET

[Laughing/sound of handclapping]

 

NICK

Hi, Hector.

 

HECTOR

Nick, my friend, you are back.

 

NICK

Is this is the football match?

 

HECTOR

What?

 

NICK

You won, didn’t you.

 

HECTOR

Won what?

 

NICK

The football. Argentina beat England, didn’t they.

 

HECTOR

Nick, I promised you I wouldn’t say anything.

 

NICK

But I know. You’re so happy.

 

HECTOR

No, I’m not.

 

NICK

I knew it! I knew it!

Oh, poor England, my country. Oh.

 

HECTOR

Nick, you can watch the match on video.

 

NICK

Oh, I can’t bear it. How, Hector, how could you? How could Argentina beat England? Ohh!

 

 

HECTOR

Nick, just watch the tape.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, I can’t wait to see Miguel! I’m going to the hairdresser’s to get my hair done for gorgeous Miguel. Bye!

 

Sound of telephone ringing

HECTOR

Hello?

 

MIGUEL

Hola, Hector, soy Miguel ¡de Barcelona!

 

HECTOR

Hola, Miguel, soy Hector ¡de Argentina! O Bridget acaba de salir.

 

MIGUEL

No, quiero hablar contigo. Necesito aprender inglés para Bridget.

 

HECTOR

OK, repeat after me – repita conmigo: “Bridget, you are so beautiful.”

 

MIGUEL

“Bridget, you are so beautiful.”

 

HECTOR

“Bridget, I love your hair.”

 

MIGUEL

“Bridget, I love your hair.”

 

HECTOR

“And your smile.”

 

MIGUEL

“And your smile.”

Hector, muchas gracias!

 

HECTOR

No problem, Miguel. See you later.

 

ANNIE

Hector and Bridget! How could they?

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

I love football, especially our gorgeous English players. But I am sorry for Hector, because England beat Argentina.

 

ANNIE

Argentina did very well against England.

 

BRIDGET

Yeah, but not well enough!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Well, only a little bit sorry!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Bridget is having a bad hair today and she is worried because Miguel is arriving this evening.

 

 

BRIDGET

This is an emergency. I need a hair appointment. I need a style that a Spanish football fan will adore.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

But then I heard Hector talking to Bridget on the phone. He said she was beautiful.

 

HECTOR

“Bridget, you are so beautiful.”

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I don’t understand.

 

Crashing and banging noises

 

HECTOR

Annie. An-nie?

 

ANNIE

Yes, Hector?

 

HECTOR

Are you all right?

 

ANNIE

 

HECTOR

Are you cross about something?

 

ANNIE

Oh, why do you think that?

 

HECTOR

Oh, Annie, come and sit down.

 

NICK [Watching football match]

Aagh/ooh/yes!!!

 

HECTOR

Annie, have I done something wrong?

 

NICK [Watching football match]

… … … Yessss! Wooohh! … … …

 

HECTOR

Well, if you don’t tell me, I won’t know.

 

ANNIE

Oh, you know Hector.

You know!

 

NICK

Yessss! Yesssss! Yessss! We won! We won! We’re in the final!

Sorry, have I missed something?

 

ANNIE

Bridget?

Bridget, what’s wrong? Why have you got a bag on your head?

 

BRIDGET

Ohhh, ohhh!

 

ANNIE

Come on, let’s take it off.

 

BRIDGET

Leave it!

 

ANNIE

Is it your hair?

Well, but it can’t be that bad.

 

BRIDGET

It is!

 

ANNIE

Oh, come on.

 

BRIDGET

Do you promise not to laugh?

ANNIE

We promise. Don’t we.

 

BRIDGET

All right then, here goes.

 

ANNIE

It’s very… nice.

 

Sound of laughter

 

BRIDGET

I knew it. I knew you’d laugh. Oh, it’s a disaster. And Miguel will be here any moment.

 

Sound of door being knocked

 

BRIDGET

Ahhh! That’s him! Oh! He mustn’t see me like this!

 

ANNIE

Miguel? Oh, come in! I’ll just tell Bridget. Pssstt, Bridget! Miguel’s here.

 

BRIDGET

I don’t want to see him. I can’t.

 

ANNIE

Trust me, Bridget, he will love your hair.

 

BRIDGET

Miguel!

 

MIGUEL

Bridget, you are so beautiful. I love your hair, and your smile.

 

BRIDGET

I love your hair.

 

MIGUEL

So, Spain versus England in the World Cup final. Poor old England.

 

NICK

On the contrary, my Spanish friend. Prepare to die.

 

 

ANNIE

Nick, please ask Hector to pass the crisps.

 

NICK

Hector, Annie says can you pass the crisps.

 

HECTOR

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Please ask Annie why hasn’t she spoken to me for two days.

 

NICK

Annie, Hector says why haven’t you spoken to him for two days.

 

ANNIE

Tell him – hmm!

 

NICK

She says – hmm!

 

BRIDGET

Shhh! It’s starting.

 

VOICE ON TELEVISION

….final between England and their arch-rivals Spain!

 

NICK

Come on, England, come on.

 

BRIDGET

Come on, Spain.

 

Assorted inaudible comments and noises

 

BRIDGET

Go on!

 

VOICE ON TELEVISION

…and here’s Spain – and it’s a goal!

 

ALL

Yes!!/goal!!

 

VOICE ON TELEVISION

England have the ball. They are heading for gold. And it’s…

 

HECTOR

Annie?

 

VOICE ON TELEVISION

Now, the final…

 

HECTOR

Can I ask you something?

 

ANNIE

Yes, Hector?

 

HECTOR

Have you ever thought about getting married?

 

ANNIE

Who to?

 

HECTOR

Oh, to someone – someone like –  me.

 

VOICE ON TELEVISION

…and he shoots and he scores!

 

NICK

I don’t believe it! What a match!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, Spain played really well.

 

NICK

Yeah, but not well enough!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, poor Miguel. Speak to me in English again.

 

MIGUEL

“Bridget, you are so beautiful. I love your hair and your smile.”

 

NICK

Is that all he knows?

 

HECTOR

Yup, and I taught him.

 

ANNIE

When?

 

HECTOR

On the phone.

 

ANNIE

Oh! You were on the phone to Miguel!

 

HECTOR

Teaching him English.

 

ANNIE

Oh, silly me. I thought you were talking to Bridget.

 

HECTOR

Oh, Annie, there is only one person for me.

 

NICK

Me?

 

HECTOR

Well?

Will you?

 

NICK

Will she what?

 

HECTOR

Marry me?

 

ANNIE

Yes, Hector!

 

Whooping and shouting

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Hector and Annie plan their wedding, Nick is in for a surprise, and guess who’s coming from Argentina?

EXTRA, don’t miss it!

 

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