11_Extra_English_Holiday_time

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Narrative

 

NICK [reading questionnaire in magazine]

Who would be your ideal holiday romance?

A] J-Lo, B] Cameron Diaz, or C] Kylie?

Yeah, mmm, difficult to choose. Huh. All three!

Ha! Ha!

What do you like most about girls on holiday:?

 

NICK

A] Their suntans? Yeah, OK. B] Their bikinis? Oh cor, yeah! C] Their …

 

ANNIE

Ironing skills?

 

NICK

Where do you meet girls on holiday?

A] On the beach? B] In the bar? C] On the ski slope?

Hah, on the beach, yeah, I meet lots of lovely girls on the beach, cor!

 

ASSORTED VOICES IN BACKGROUND

… Nick, Nick, Nick …

 

ANNIE

… Nick, Nick, Ni-ck …

 

NICK

Bah! Ah!

 

ANNIE

Nick, I am fed up!

I need a holiday!

We all need a holiday!

 

NICK

Yeah, I know what you mean!

I’m exhausted!

[Sound of Nick blowing his nose]

 

HECTOR [Presenting TV Travel Programme]

So – it is holiday time again and everyone is off to the airport.

 

NICK

Agh!

 

ANNIE

Oh, hello Hector.

 

 

 

 

 

 

HECTOR

They are travelling to Florida, Thailand, Egypt – and Belgium? Are you sure?!

And Belgium.

Travelling by plane, by train, and by car.

Well, maybe not by car!

This is Hector Romero, for Channel 9.

 

ANNIE

Oh!

Ooops! Ooh! Bridget will be furious!

 

NICK

[Laughing]

 

ANNIE

Still, maybe a new fashion!

 

BRIDGET

Yeah! Yes! Can he do the interview on Thursday?

No, well what about Friday? [Sound of telephone ringing] Oh, hang on.

Hello – she wants 22 dressing rooms?! Four for Lourdes and her nannies! But we’ve only got two!

Hello?

Oh, for goodness sake!

Huh! Who wants Madonna anyway?!

Hello, are you still there? [Sound of telephone ringing]

Hello, what?!

Oh, hello Eunice.

Yes, David Beckham is booked and so is Princess Caroline of Monaco. No, Madonna is not coming.

Yes, OK, Eunice, I will – ah-ah, I will, today. Bye Eunice.

What did your last slave die of?!

What I need, what I really need is a holiday.

 

Sound of assorted telephones ringing

 

BRIDGET

Oh-oh.

 

NICK

Go on, type New York.

 

ANNIE

 

NICK

Number of nights, 3.

 

ANNIE

OK, let’s see what they can do.

One thousand pounds?!

Oh, but that’s much too expensive – we, we must choose a different destination.

 

NICK

Yeah, how about Las Vegas, hah!

 

 

ANNIE

But that would cost even more, don’t be silly, Nick.

 

BRIDGET

What?

Is Nick being silly? I don’t believe it!

Oh, I’m so tired!

 

ANNIE

Oh Hector, I saw your holiday report.

 

HECTOR

Oh, I have just spent all day watching other people go on holidays.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, I can’t go on! Eunice is a witch.

She makes me work, work, work.

 

NICK

Why don’t you leave then?

 

HECTOR

 

BRIDGET

What? Leave my job?

I love my job!

 

NICK

Huh! Women!

 

ANNIE

What you need – what we all need is a  …

 

NICK

Holiday!

 

BRIDGET

Mmm, a holiday!

 

HECTOR

Gre-at idea! Where shall we go?

 

NICK

Oh, I’d love to go to Las Vegas!

 

ANNIE

Cape Town!

 

BRIDGET

I’d like to go anywhere with Enrique Iglesias!

 

ANNIE

Hey!

What about Spain!

 

 

NICK

You speak Spanish!

You can be our guide! Hah!

 

HECTOR

We-ll …

 

BRIDGET

Enrique Iglesias speaks Spanish!

 

NICK

And the girls … Hmm! I can’t wait!

Hey Hector, you can translate my chat up lines!

 

HECTOR

Well, I’ll try!

 

NICK

And we can try them out! Ha ha!

 

HECTOR

Yeah!

 

ANNIE

Hector! There’s your ironing!

 

Laughter

 

ANNIE

Nick!

 

BRIDGET

There’s yours!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

I’m exhausted. I need a holiday.

 

ANNIE

I need a holiday!

We all need a holiday!

 

HECTOR

Where shall we go?

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

And guess what?

We’re going to Spain.

 

ANNIE
I can’t wait!

 

NICK

Now’s the chance to try my chat up lines on Spanish girls. Ha, ha!

 

NICK

And the girls! Ha-ha-hmm, I can’t wait!

 

NICK

They won’t be able to resist me!

 

NICK

OK, I see a pretty Spanish girl …

 

HECTOR

… Hmm.

 

NICK

… How do I say, “I’m English, can you give me directions – to your apartment?” [Makes clucking noise]

 

HECTOR

Really?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

OK. [Clears throat]

“Hola soy inglés… …”

 

NICK

“Hola soy inglés… …”

 

HECTOR

“… ¿Me puedes dar … “

 

NICK

“… ¿Me puedes dar  …”

 

HECTOR

“… La dirección de tu piso?”

 

NICK

“… La dirección de tu piso?”

 

HECTOR

Good, but this one is better.

“Your eyes are like stars – they come out at night.”

 

NICK

Oh, I like it!

How do I say it in Spanish?

 

Laughter

 

HECTOR

[Clears throat]

“Tus ojos …”

 

NICK

“Tus ojos …”

 


HECTOR

“Tus ojos …”

 

NICK

That’s what I said.

 

HECTOR

OK!

“Tus ojos son como estrellas …”

 

NICK

“Tus ojos son como estrellas …”

 

HECTOR

“… Salen por la noche …”

 

NICK

“… Salen por la noche …”

 

NICK

Eh! Ha, ha!

Now, this one always works. “I know what you’re thinking. You want to kiss me, don’t you.”

 

HECTOR

No, I don’t.

 

NICK

Not you!

It’s the chat up line, stupid!

 

BRIDGET

Hector, are you there?

 

HECTOR

 

BRIDGET

Could you give me a hand with my luggage?

 

HECTOR

Ay?!!

All of it?!!

 

BRIDGET

Yes, all of it, please, Hector.

 

BRIDGET

Over here, Hector, I must do a final check.

 

ANNIE

Gracious, Bridget, what have you got in there?

 

BRIDGET

Six tee shirts, three pairs of jeans, four pairs of trousers, ten bikinis, four sarongs, two skirts, two nightdresses, three pairs of trainers, two pairs of evening shoes, three toothbrushes, two toilet bags, five belts, two jackets, two cans of hair mousse and a ball gown.

ANNIE

But, we’re only going for three days.

 

BRIDGET

You never can be sure what event we’ll be asked to go to – parties, balls, the opera, theatre …

 

ANNIE

… Oh yeah – it won’t happen!

 

BRIDGET

When Bridget arrives in Spain, we’ll be invited everywhere. They just won’t be able to resist!

 

NICK

What won’t they be able to resist?

 

BRIDGET

What are  you wearing?

 

NICK

I am a toreador!

 

HECTOR

Oh! Oh! Olé!!

 

NICK

Whose is this?!

 

ANNIE

Bridget’s.

 

NICK

You are taking all that?!

 

BRIDGET

Yeah, why?

 

NICK

Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget – all you need to travel is your passport, your tickets and your money, ha-ha!

 

Sound of car horn hooting in background

 

ANNIE

That will be the taxi!

 

NICK

Ha-ha!

 

HECTOR

Let’s go!

 

BRIDGET

Come on, boys, give me a hand with my luggage!

 


Sound of door being slammed

 

ANNIE

Gatwick airport please.

 

Sound of screeching car brakes/footsteps on stairs/door being opened/closed/receding footsteps

 

HECTOR, BRIDGET & ANNIE

All you need to travel is your passport, your ticket and your money, Nick.

 

NICK

Yeah, yeah, very funny!

 

Laughter

 

ANNIE

Wow, look at this!

It’s so Spanish!

 

HECTOR

Yep!

Typical Spanish hospitality.

And this is a typical happy Spanish waitress.

 

ANNIE

Hello!

Erm, we are from England.

And we would like a drink, please.

 

HECTOR

Girls, girls, girls, leave it to me.

I must translate for you. [Clears throat]

“Queremos beber algo en este bar típicamente español!”

 

NICK

Hang on.

I’ll talk to the lady.

“Hola soy inglés. ¿Me puedes dar la dirección de tu piso?”

 

ANNIE

Oh, she doesn’t look very happy.

 

BRIDGET

No, she looks a mess!

 

ANNIE

Perhaps her boyfriend has left her.

 

NICK

Yeah- because she looks a mess! [Laughs]

 

BRIDGET

Maybe he didn’t like her hair.

 

Laughter

 

WAITRESS

Well actually, he did like my hair and at least mine is natural!

 

BRIDGET

Ah, she understood!

 

ANNIE

She’s English!

 

WAITRESS

How did you guess?!

 

NICK

So, is this a traditional Spanish bar?

 

WAITRESS

This – is a traditional – da – English Tea Room.

 

HECTOR

In Barcelona?

 

WAITRESS

Ooh, aren’t you clever!

 

NICK

Leave it to me.

Please CAN WE – HAVE A DRINK?!!

 

WAITRESS

No!!

 

BRIDGET

Why not?!

 

WAITRESS

There are no tables.

 

BRIDGET

But what about this one?

 

WAITRESS

 

ANNIE

Erm, or  that one?

 

WAITRESS

 

HECTOR

What about this one here?

 

WAITRESS

It’s reserved.

 

HECTOR

Never mind, let’s, let’s go.

WAITRESS

But erm, if you’ve reserved the table, you can come in.

 

ANNIE

 

HECTOR

OK. [Clears throat]

Can we please reserve a table?

 

WAITRESS

Certainly … erm, oh yes, I, I can just fit you in – that table there.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

So here we are in Spain.

I think I’ve brought enough clothes for all events.

 

BRIDGET

You never can be sure what event we’ll be asked to go to.

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Spain is beautiful.

 

ANNIE

Wow, look at this! It’s so Spanish!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

We thought we’d found a typical Spanish bar.

 

BRIDGET

She understood!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

But it is a typical English tea room.

 

WAITRESS

Ooh yes, I, I can just fit you in – that table there.

 

WAITRESS

Right, what would you like to drink?

 

NICK

Cola, please.

 

ANNIE

Me too.

 

BRIDGET

And me.

 

HECTOR

In Spain, do as the English do.

I will have a nice cup of tea, please.

 

WAITRESS

Which tea?

 

HECTOR

Huh?

What have you got?

 

WAITRESS

We’ve got Darjeeling, Kenyan, English Breakfast, Earl Grey, Lady Grey, Camomile, Peppermint, Jasmine, Imperial, Oolong, Indian, Green and Yellow – tea.

 

HECTOR

I’ll have a cola please.

 

WAITRESS

Anything to eat?

 

NICK

Erm, yes please.

What have you got?

 

WAITRESS

Egg and chips, sausage and chips, fish and chips, cheese and chips, pie and chips and chicken and …

 

HECTOR, BRIDGET, ANNIE & NICK

… Chips!!

 

WAITRESS

… Chicken and croquette potatoes.

 

NICK

So, we can have anything with chips.

 

WAITRESS

Apart from chicken – or – I have cake.

Gatox.

 

HECTOR

Gatox?

 

ANNIE

I think she means gateaux.

 

NICK, HECTOR, BRIDGET & ANNIE

Gatox please.

 

HECTOR

Spanish girls are beautiful!

 

NICK

Gre-at!

And French girls!

 

HECTOR

Really?!

 

BRIDGET

I don’t believe it.

 

ANNIE

What?

 

BRIDGET

Over there – over there!

 

ANNIE

Yeah?

 

BRIDGET

It’s him!!

 

ANNIE

Who?

 

BRIDGET

Enrique!

 

ANNIE

Enrique? Qué?

 

BRIDGET

Not Enrique- qué, Enrique Iglesias!

 

ANNIE

No!

Are you sure?

It can’t be!!

 

BRIDGET

This is Spain.

Well he’s from Spain!

 

ANNIE

Well?!

 

BRIDGET

I must go and talk to him!

Hair [check] lipstick [check] top – [check]. Right.

Here I go!

NICK

Where’s Bridget going?

 

ANNIE

Enrique Iglesias is sitting over there at that table!

 

HECTOR

No!!

 

BRIDGET

Enrique!

 

HECTOR

That is not Enrique Iglesias!

 

NICK

No way!

ANNIE

Oh, poor Bridget!

Still, he is quite good looking!

 

NICK

Hah!

Latin men are different to English men.

They are not sensitive, gentle, romantic and – sophisticated like me.

 

Crashing noise

 

WAITRESS

Gatox!

 

HECTOR

I think the waitress fancies you, Nick!

Go on, try one of your chat up lines on her!

 

NICK

Ha! She’s not my type!

 

ANNIE

So what is your type, Nick?

 

NICK

… Erm?

 

HECTOR

She’s coming back!

Go on, go on!

 

NICK

Which one, which one, I’ve forgotten them all!

 

HECTOR

Use my one, stars, stars.

 

NICK

OK, OK, I remember. [Clears throat].

“Your teeth are like stars – they come out at night.”

 

Annie and Hector laugh

 

NICK

It’s obvious – she’s crazy about me!

 

BRIDGET

I’ve got a date with him, I’ve got a date with him!

 

NICK

Who?

Mr Iglesias?

 

 

 

 

 

BRIDGET

Oh, don’t be silly!

Of course it’s not Enrique Iglesias!

I’m not that stupid! [Makes snorting noise]

It’s Miguel – and tonight we’re going clubbing!

 

HECTOR

Great!

 

NICK

Where are we going?

 

BRIDGET

No, not you, Miguel and me.

 

ANNIE

Oh no, Bridget, we must be your chaperones!

 

HECTOR

Yeah, you will not even notice us!

 

BRIDGET

Well, oh all right then!

 

NICK

Oh, all those Spanish girls – clubbing!

 

WAITRESS

Clubbing!

Let’s boo-oo-gie, baby!

I’ll show you how it’s done!

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA – England play Argentina in the World Cup.

Nick gets a phone call and Bridget has a bad hair day.

EXTRA – don’t miss it!

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