08_Extra_English_The_landladys_cousin

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Narrative

 

 

ANNIE [Reading note]

“Dear Tenants, my cousin, your landlady, is on holiday this week, so I am in charge. The same rules apply: no pets, no parties, no visitors, especially boys. Yours, Eunice Mountain.”

Eunice Mountain? She sounds terrible! Worse than the tarantula.

 

BRIDGET

If that’s possible.

 

ANNIE

Do you think she’ll say no shelves?

 

BRIDGET

She can’t. They’ll look fantastic. “The timber shelves in clear lacquered beech veneer with six castors and a TV bench.”

 

ANNIE

Ooh! Now, where shall we begin?

 

BRIDGET

Annie, it’s easy. Rule number one: always read the instructions first.

 

ANNIE

Well, that will only take a week.

 

BRIDGET

OK, let’s have a drink before we begin. Milk, Annie?

 

ANNIE

Yes, please.

 

BRIDGET

“I owe you, Nick.”

There! Well, no milk. Would you like some sparkling water?

 

ANNIE

 

BRIDGET

“I owe you, Nick.” “I owe you, Nick.” “I owe you, Nick!” How dare he? Aha!

Would you like some cola?

 

NICK

Thanks, Bridget, I was looking for that.

 

BRIDGET

Nick!

 

NICK

Huh? Sorry.

 

BRIDGET

Add it to the list.

Or ask your flat mate to buy your food.

 

NICK

Huh? Wow!

 

BRIDGET

You didn’t know Hector was rich?

 

NICK

 

BRIDGET

I’ll speak to you later!

 

HECTOR

Wow, what are all these boxes?

 

ANNIE

Our new shelves, Hector.

 

HECTOR

I can help you build them. Where are the instructions?

 

NICK

Hector, my friend, rule number one: never read the instructions.

 

ANNIE

Ohhh, I see you have a note from our new landlady then.

 

BRIDGET

Eunice Mountain!

 

NICK

Eunice Mountain. I bet she’s the same size. [Sound of intercom buzzing] Hello? It’s Eunice Mountain. Who am I? I’m Nick, from Flat B. Oh, you want Flat A? This is… [Sound of intercom buzzing] Hello? Yes, this is Flat A. Yes, I am Nick from Flat B. Yes, I know this isn’t my flat.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

I want to see you downstairs – now!

 

NICK

Sorry. OK. Right away.

 

BRIDGET

Well?

 

NICK

Eunice Mountain wants to see me downstairs now.

 

HECTOR

Oh, bad luck, man.

 

ANNIE

Oh dear.

 

BRIDGET

Ask her if she has any milk, bread and biscuits.

 

NICK

Ha-ha..

 

ANNIE

OK, so: “First open box A and take out shelf number 1.”

 

 

BRIDGET

But which is box A?

 

HECTOR

This is box C.

 

ANNIE

And I’ve got box D.

 

HECTOR

Ah, I’ve got it. This is shelf number 1.

 

ANNIE

No, Hector. This is shelf number 1.

 

BRIDGET

No, this is shelf number 1.

 

ANNIE

Oh, this is a nightmare.

 

HECTOR

OK, Annie, read out the instructions.

 

ANNIE [Reading instructions]

“Put shelf 1 against the wall.”

Hector, I think the books will fall off.

 

Sound of door to flat opening and closing

 

BRIDGET

So what’s Eunice Mountain like?

 

NICK

You know, not bad.

 

HECTOR

Are you in trouble?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

I’ve got it – put pole B on the left and pole A on the right and the shelf on top. Bridget.

 

BRIDGET

Like this, Hector? Have you put up shelves before, Hector?

 

HECTOR

Many times.

 

BRIDGET

Or do your servants do it for you?

 

NICK

I’ll do it!

 

HECTOR

No, no, no, I’ll do it.

 

NICK

Drop! Drop! Ha! I laugh at instructions.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, that was clever.

 

HECTOR

It’s OK. I can straighten it.

 

NICK

Aha! Stand back and watch the master at work!

 

Sound of wood being sawed

 

NICK

Da-daaa!

 

ANNIE

Oh, well done, Nick.

 

BRIDGET

 

HECTOR

Wow!

 

BRIDGET

So where does this piece go?

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Hi, I’m Eunice Mountain, your new landlady.

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

‘Anyway, guess what I have discovered?

Hector’s family – the Romero Family – is one of the richest in Argentina!

Can you believe it?!’

 

NICK

Wow!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

‘The good news is: our landlady has gone on holiday!

The bad news is: her cousin –  Eunice Mountain –  is our temporary landlady.

She sounds awful.’

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

 

BRIDGET

Hello. I, I, I, I am Bridget, and this is Annie.

 

ANNIE

 

BRIDGET

And this is Hector from Argentina.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Well, hello, Hector.

 

BRIDGET

Hector lives next door with Nick.

 

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

I’ve met Nick already, haven’t I, Nick.

 

NICK

Oh yes, that’s right.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Hmm, we need to talk about your rent – in private.

 

NICK

Gre-at – uhhh!!

 

HECTOR [Reading instructions]

“Measure the distance between the shelves.” Oh. Aha. Annie, hold this, please. Aha, that’s it, uh-huh. And this should be it!

 

ANNIE

Hector, do you think that’s correct? These shelves are for mice.

 

BRIDGET

Can I speak to you please, Hector?

 

HECTOR

Hmm?

 

BRIDGET

So, Hector, one of the richest families in Argentina, the Romero family.

There you are, Hector! So why the secret?

 

HECTOR

Because I wanted you to like me, not my money.

 

BRIDGET

Oh Hector, of course I do. Who else knows?

 

HECTOR

 

BRIDGET

I thought so.

 

HECTOR

But not Annie. Don’t tell Annie – yet.

 

BRIDGET

Why, Hector?

 

HECTOR

Because Bridget, I …, because…

 

BRIDGET

Yes?

 

HECTOR

Because I – I am in love with Annie.

 

NICK

Nick has entered the building!

 

BRIDGET

So where are you going looking like John Travolta?

 

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

He has a date with  me, haven’t you, darling.

 

HECTOR

Another date?

 

BRIDGET

But that’s three times this week!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Four.

We’ve been to dinner, to the theatre, to the cinema and last night – salsa dancing!

 

BRIDGET

Can you salsa?

 

NICK & EUNICE

Whooo!!!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

I am the salsa queen!

 

BRIDGET

Yeah, with two left feet.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Pardon?

 

BRIDGET

 

HECTOR

It sounds great.

 

BRIDGET

What is it tonight?

Ping pong?

 

NICK

Tonight’s it’s karaoke.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

And I am the karaoke queen! Let’s go.

Bye! “I love yo-u-u!”

 

BRIDGET [Mimicking Eunice]

“I am the karaoke queen!”

I bet she sings like a toad.

 

ANNIE

So, Hector, where were we?

 

HECTOR

OK, I think I’ve got it, Annie.

 

Assorted b/g noises/music

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

I did knock, but the music was so loud, you didn’t hear me. I thought we’d have a little chat. Rule number two: no underwear on the radiator.

 

ANNIE

Oh, well, it’s dry now. Give it to me. Give it to…., thank you.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Let me repeat the rules.

No parties and no visitors, especially boys.

Especially boys from next door.

Especially Nick. He’s mine!

Get the message?

 

ANNIE

Erm, yeah, we get the message.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

See you later. Oh, by the way, that shelf is not straight. Bye!

 

BRIDGET

Well, I have never!

What does she…, who does she think she is?

 

ANNIE

The landlady’s cousin?

BRIDGET

Oooh, I know that, but no Hector and no Nick? How dare she?

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Coo-eee!

 

Coo-eee!

 

NICK [groaning]

 

NICK [groaning]

 

HECTOR

How is Eunice?

 

NICK [groaning]

 

HECTOR

Problems?

 

NICK

She is very nice.

 

HECTOR

But?

 

NICK

But – she’s just not my type.

 

HECTOR

What do you mean?

 

NICK

Look, presents.

More presents. Flowers. More presents. Chocolate.

And her energy! I’m exhausted!

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Nick! Ooh, Nick!

Coo-eee! Let’s go dancing!

 

NICK

Hector, get rid of her!

 

HECTOR

Get rid of her? How?

 

NICK

Say something!

 

HECTOR

What shall I say?

 

NICK

Anything! Tell her I’m not well.

I’ve eaten a hedgehog. I’ve gone to the moon.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Knocking on door]

Oh, Nick, are you in there?

 

NICK

Go on!

 

HECTOR

OK, OK! Oh, hi.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

You’re not Nick.

 

HECTOR

No. Nick.., Nick’s hedgehog has gone to the moon.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Pardon?

 

HECTOR

Nick’s hedgehog is not well. Nick is sad.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

So, he must come dancing to make him happy.

 

HECTOR

No, no!

He cannot dance!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Why not?

 

HECTOR

He stood on the hedgehog without shoes. Very painful.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, very messy!

 

HECTOR

So he cannot dance.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh, that’s a pity.

Well, never mind.

 

HECTOR

Yeah, sorry.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Da-da-da-da!

You’ll just have to come instead!

 

HECTOR

Pardon?!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Come on, let’s dance!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

‘Yes, Hector is still building the shelves.

I don’t know why he is so keen to help!

Still, I like it!’

 

ANNIE

Do you think that’s correct?

 

ANNIE

‘And poor Nick! He looks exhausted!

He’s going out with Eunice. They’ve been to the theatre, the cinema, a restaurant, a salsa club and a karaoke club. She is the Karaoke Queen!’

 

NICK & EUNICE

Oooooohhhhhh!

 

ANNIE

I don’t think Bridget likes her.

 

ANNIE

“And tighten the screws.” Annie, you are a genius.

Hi, Hector.

 

HECTOR

Hi, Annie.

 

ANNIE

What’s the matter? Are you OK?

 

HECTOR

I am exhausted.

 

ANNIE

What happened?

 

HECTOR

Last night, Eunice and I…

ANNIE

Yes?

 

HECTOR

She made me…

 

ANNIE

Yes?

 

HECTOR

… Go dancing.

 

ANNIE

Oh!

 

HECTOR

Annie, she dances like a rhinoceros.

Whoa! Annie! The shelves! You finished them!

 

ANNIE

Oh, just a bit more measuring.

 

HECTOR

I will help you.

 

ANNIE

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

 

HECTOR

 

ANNIE

It’s OK.

It happens when people work together. So, where were we?

Ah! “For the final shelf, take…” oh! Hector! Oohhh!

 

NICK

Help! Hide me!

Wooo!!

 

HECTOR

Eunice?

 

NICK

Eunice.

Oh Bridget, save me!

 

BRIDGET

Why?

 

NICK

It’s Eunice.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN [Knocking on door]

Nick! Coo-eee! Oh, Nick!

 

NICK

Oh, there she is!

She’s too much!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

I know you are in there, Nick.

Bridget, Annie, I said no boys.

 

BRIDGET

Shall I get rid of her, Nick?

 

NICK

Oh, yes, please! But how?

 

BRIDGET

I’ll think of something. Annie, let Miss Mountain in.

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Ah, there you are, Nick. And Hector!

Bridget, I thought I said no boys.

 

BRIDGET

Yes, you did!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Especially boys from next door.

 

BRIDGET

Yes, yes, you did!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Especially …

 

BRIDGET

… Nick, he’s mine!!

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oooh!

Well … just wait until I tell my cousin!

Oh, by the way, Hector, I’ve got a fax for you.

 

HECTOR

Oh? Oh, please, give it to me.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

It’s from your father. It says, “Coming to London to meet… the Prime Minister? My jet arrives at midday. Will phone. Father.”

Ooh! Actually, Hector, I think you’re more my type.

 

ANNIE

I, I don’t think so, Eunice.

 

EUNICE MOUNTAIN

Oh!

 

ANNIE

Oh, and don’t slam the… door.

Oop!

So Hector, your father is flying to London in his private jet to meet the Prime Minister?

 

BRIDGET

Well, they are one of the richest families in Argentina.

 

NICK

So Bridget, where were we?

 

BRIDGET

No, Nick.

 

NICK

Huh?

 

BRIDGET

The trick worked. Eunice is gone.

 

HECTOR

Annie, I will buy you a million shelves.

 

 

ANNIE

Ooh, well, we better start measuring for them then.

 

HECTOR

Oh-ho-ho!

 

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA, Nick dresses up, Bridget is working hard in television and Hector goes for an audition! EXTRA, don’t miss it!

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