03_Extra_English_Hector_has_a_date

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Narrative

 

ANNIE [sending email]

‘Dear dream date.

My name is Annie! I’m 19 and I love animals,

and, and  – and I love chocolate: chocolate ice cream, chocolate cake, boxes of chocolate, chocolate mousse …’

 

BRIDGET

What are you doing, Annie?

 

ANNIE

Nothing!

 

BRIDGET

What’s this?

‘Dream date, make my dream come true … ‘

 

ANNIE

Oh, how did that get there?

 

BRIDGET

How sweet!

 

Sound of fitness video playing in background

 

BRIDGET

Hector!

 

HECTOR

Oh hi, Bridget.

 

BRIDGET

And up!!

Oh well, keep going, Hector.

 

ANNIE

Aah I see Hector found Cindy’s one hundred and one top exercises then.

 

BRIDGET

Yes!

 

ANNIE

Oh, good try Hector.

 

BRIDGET

Cindy is so old fashioned, I can teach Hector how to exercise!

Exercise with Cindy, no, exercise with Bridget, yes …

 

HECTOR

But … !

 

 

BRIDGET

It’s OK, I can do it!

Music please, Annie.

Follow me.

Arms up, touch your toes, stand straight and – one-two-three –four-five-six-seven-eight!

More energy please!

One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight

One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight.

One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight …

OK, faster still!

Left leg up!

Left leg up!

 

HECTOR and ANNIE

Left leg up!

 

ANNIE

Oh, my leg hurts!

 

BRIDGET

Come on, keep it up!

Come on, come on, faster …

 

ANNIE

Oh, hi Nick, we’re exercising.

 

NICK

I can see.

 

BRIDGET

Oh, phew, OK.

Let’s get a drink!

 

ANNIE

Oh, I must check my emails.

 

BRIDGET

Would you like some water, Hector?

 

HECTOR

Oh no, no, after you.

 

BRIDGET

No, you first.

 

HECTOR

Oh, no, no, no, ladies first.

 

BRIDGET

No, no, you first.

 

HECTOR

No, you first.

 

HECTOR  and  BRIDGET

No, …

 

NICK

OH, give it to me!

 

ANNIE

Oh, goody! Three messages.

Oh dear.

 

NICK

What’s wrong?

 

BRIDGET

Annie’s been on the Internet – again!

 

HECTOR

The Internet?

 

BRIDGET

To find a boyfriend!

 

NICK

Oh, let’s see!

 

ANNIE

Oh no, don’t look.

 

NICK

Oh come on Annie!

 

ANNIE

Oh, all right then.

 

NICK

‘Annie baby!

Rocky the tennis star here!

I am the racquet –

Will you be my ball?’

Ugh!

 

ANNIE

OK, number two.

 

NICK

Erm – ‘Dear Annie!

I love animals too.’

‘They are so beautiful in their glass boxes.

Come and see them.

Tony Green (Taxidermist).’

 

ANNIE

A taxidermist!

Oh, how horrible!

 

NICK

Oh Charlie, here boy! [Whistles]

 

Dog barks

 

ANNIE

It’s OK, Charlie.

 

HECTOR

Annie, what is a taxidermist?

 

ANNIE

Erm, well it’s, it’s a, ah, oh never mind.

 

NICK

Third time lucky.

 

ANNIE

Hope so.

 

NICK

‘Annie, can you cook like my mother?

Do you like trains?

Can you meet me today?

Giles Smith aged twenty four.

P.S. Mummy says I must be home before 5 p.m.’

Oh dear!

 

ANNIE

Oh, I’ll never get a boyfriend!

Bridget always has a boyfriend.

 

NICK

Has she?

 

HECTOR

Ah-yum-ah-ah …

 

NICK

Annie, look, it’s not what you write, it’s, it’s how you write it. [Uh?]. I bet I could get a girlfriend on the Internet, no problem.

 

ANNIE

Well yes Nick you could!

 

BRIDGET

I bet you could not!

 

NICK

I could!

 

BRIDGET

OK, what would you write?

 

NICK

I’m six foot tall.

 

 

BRIDGET

Five foot eleven.

 

NICK

I have blonde hair.

 

BRIDGET

Mousey brown.

 

NICK

I love animals.

 

BRIDGET

Ha!

 

NICK

And fast cars, and beautiful women.

 

ANNIE

I would write to you!

 

NICK

Would you?

 

ANNIE

Oh, come on Annie!

Let’s go to the gym.

 

ANNIE

Oh Bridget no, not more exercise!

 

BRIDGET

See you later boys.

Oh and erm, Hector, would you do my washing for me?

 

HECTOR

Washing?

No problem.

 

ANNIE

Oh and Nick [uh] will you spray my plant for me please?

The spray is in the bathroom.

 

NICK

No problem.

 

HECTOR

Nick [ah-ah]. What is a taxidermist?

 

NICK

Oh –well, well it’s, never mind.

 

BRIDGET

‘Chrissy! [sending email]

Today Hector found Cindy’s exercise video, but I decided to help him with his exercises instead!’

 

BRIDGET

Two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight! More energy please!

‘He really enjoyed it!’

 

ANNIE

My leg hurts!

 

BRIDGET

Come on, keep up!

 

ANNIE

‘Nadia. [sending email]

I looked for a boyfriend on the Internet today and had three strange replies.

One from a tennis player, too arrogant.’

 

NICK

Ugh!

 

ANNIE [sending email]

‘One from a taxidermist, too horrible!’

 

NICK

Oh Charlie! Here boy! [Whistles/dog barks]

 

ANNIE [sending email]

‘And one from a train spotter, too weird!’

 

NICK

Oh dear!

 

ANNIE

Oh, I’ll never get a boyfriend.

But Bridget always has a boyfriend.

 

NICK [sending email]

Dan!

It’s so easy to find a girlfriend on the Internet.’

I bet I could get a girlfriend on the Internet, no problem.

 

NICK

Finding new girlfriends on the Internet is so easy.

OK, Hector!

Question one. How do guys get girlfriends?

 

HECTOR

Girlfriends?

 

NICK

Yeah! [Laugh/wolf whistle]

 

HECTOR

Oh, oh no girlfriends, me.

 

 

 

NICK

What?

Never?

No girl … no girlfriends?

Wow! Man!

 

HECTOR

You, Nick, you have had girlfriends?

 

NICK

Yeah, loads!

 

HECTOR

Ten?

 

NICK

Ten?!! Hah! Hundreds!

 

HECTOR

Wow!

 

NICK

So I know what girls like.

They like fast cars, they like money, they like dancing.

 

HECTOR

Oh, I love dancing!

Like this!

 

NICK

No, dancing like this!

Hey?

Yeah, Hector, leave it to me.

Leave it to me, my friend, I  have a plan!

[Laughs]

Oh, Hector, Annie’s plant.

Her garden spray is in the bathroom.

 

HECTOR

Oh.

 

NICK

Ho-ho!

 

HECTOR

Garden – gar-den …

Spray, garden spray.

Garden Romance, garden …  good!

[Spraying noise]

 

NICK

Hmm!

Perfect!

 

HECTOR

Perfect!

 

HECTOR

Cold, hot, very hot. Erm, Nick.

 

NICK

Uh-huh?

 

HECTOR

Bridget’s cold or hot?

 

NICK

Hah, very hot!

 

HECTOR

Perfect!

 

NICK

Perfect, ha!

Hector, we’ll get lots of girlfriends now!

[Aha!] From now on it’ll be girls, girls, girls, girls!

 

HECTOR

Ha-ha!

[Yo!]

Hey! [Whoo!]

 

NICK

Oh you really must change your after shave! [Sneezes]

Oh, excuse me, come on, let’s go out and celebrate.

 

BRIDGET and ANNIE

[Sniffing]

 

BRIDGET

What’s that smell?

 

ANNIE

It smells like a perfumery.

Oh, my plant!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, empty!

 

ANNIE

Oh, my poor plant!

I don’t believe it!

 

BRIDGET

My perfume, I don’t believe it!

 

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Nick!

 

BRIDGET

Oh good, the washing’s done.

[Snarls]

 

ANNIE

What’s the problem?

 

BRIDGET

This is the problem!

 

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Hector!

 

ANNIE

Wow!

 

BRIDGET

What is it now?

 

ANNIE

We have six hundred and thirty three messages!

 

BRIDGET

Let’s see.

 

ANNIE [reading email message]

OK, one moment.

‘Hector, Nick.

Yes we are gorgeous, yes we like dancing and yes we like millionaires.

Fifi and Sarah.’

Chloe, Sadie, Louise, Gerri – I mean these messages are all for Hector and Nick – and  they’re all from girls!

 

BRIDGET

I smell a rat!

 

ANNIE

Hmm!

And I think I know who is responsible!

Oh, Bridget!

Look at this! [reading email message]

‘Are you a gorgeous babe?

Do you have a gorgeous friend?

Do you like fast cars and dancing all night?

Do you like millionaires?

Then you will love us.

We are Hector and Nick, the Romero brothers.’

 

BRIDGET

What?

 

ANNIE [reading email message]

‘See attached photo.’

 

BRIDGET

Ha, cheats, they glued their photo on this car!

 

ANNIE

Ha, what a joke!

What, that’s how they received six hundred and thirty three messages from girls.

 

BRIDGET

But they don’t know they received six hundred and thirty three messages, do they!

 

ANNIE

No, they don’t – now.

 

BRIDGET

Let’s go to the cyber café.

I have a plan.

 

Laughter

 

NICK

The poor computer.

How many messages?

One hundred!

 

HECTOR

Two hundred!

 

Laughter

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

How many?

 

NICK

Erm, one.

 

HECTOR

One hundred!

 

NICK

Erm, no, no, no, just one message.

 

HECTOR

Uh?

 

NICK

[Erm] ‘Hector and Nick, we are dancers in a West End musical!’

 

HECTOR

Dancers, you mean … dancers?!

 

NICK

Yes, sort of.

‘When we finish the show, shall we meet at your apartment, at 10 p.m. Is that OK?

Cuddles and Bubbles, Kiss, kiss, kiss.

P.S. what is your address?’

Wow!!

They sound gorgeous!

 

HECTOR

Uh?

 

NICK

Ah, ah-hah!

Cuddles and Bubbles [wolf whistle] are coming here tonight when they finish the show – at – 10 o’clock!

Look, 7 o’clock, 8, 9, 10 o’clock!

Wait a minute!

It’s 7 o’clock!

That’s just three hours!

What am I going to wear?

What are you going to wear?

 

HECTOR

But Nick, what about Bridget and Annie?

 

NICK

Aha!

It’s not a problem!

 

HECTOR

[Laughs]

Ah-ha-ha! Yes!

 

ANNIE [sending email]

‘Nadia, it’s terrible news.

Hector killed my plant with perfume!’

ANNIE

Oh, my plant!

My poor plant!

 

BRIDGET

[Snarls]

 

ANNIE

What’s the problem?

 

ANNIE [sending email]

‘And he did the washing!

A very hot wash.’

 

BRIDGET

This is the problem!

 

ANNIE

Mm, Bridget was not pleased.

 

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Hector!

 

NICK

‘Hey Dan!

Guess what!

Hector and I have a date tonight with two dancers!

Cuddles and Bubbles [wolf whistle] are coming here tonight.

Wish us luck.’

 

 

HECTOR

So, Nick, what should I say?

 

NICK

It’s easy, relax.

 

HECTOR

Yeah, but you have had a hundred girlfriends.

 

NICK

Yeah, well, when I said a hundred, it’s actually fewer.

 

HECTOR

… Fifty?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Forty?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Thirty?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Twenty?

 

NICK

[Gulps]

 

HECTOR

Ten?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Five?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Four?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Three?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

Two?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

One?

 

NICK

 

HECTOR

None?!!

 

NICK

[Makes squeaking noise]

 

Sound of intercom buzzing

 

NICK and HECTOR

Aaaah!

 

NICK

It’s OK.

Hi. [speaking on intercom]

Hi!

 

Voice on Intercom

Hello, it’s us.

 

NICK

Come on up.

 

NICK and HECTOR

Ooh/oh/ah!!

 

HECTOR

So Nick, what do I say?

 

NICK

OK, we need a script.

Try this.

Your eyes are blue, like the ocean.

 

HECTOR

Your ears are blue, like the ocean.

 

NICK

No!!

Eyes, ears, ears, ears, eyes.

 

HECTOR

Oh, oh, oh, OK, OK.

Your ey-es are blue, like the ocean.

 

NICK

Good!

You smell of sweet …

 

HECTOR

You smell of sweat …

 

NICK

No! No [sniffing noise] sweet, not sweat!

 

HECTOR

Oh, OK, OK.

 

NICK

OK, your hair is so soft.

 

HECTOR

Thank you, Nick.

 

NICK

No, No, her hair, her hair!

 

HECTOR

Oh, her hair!

 

Sound of knocking on door

 

NICK and HECTOR

Oh, oh!

 

NICK

Ready?

 

HECTOR

 

NICK and HECTOR

Good luck!

 

NICK

Oh, Cuddles and Bubbles.

 

HECTOR

But we thought you were dancers.

Oh, you are dancers.

 

NICK

Dancing … dogs!

In … Woof, The Musical.’

Ha, ha, hello, come in.

Come in.

 

Barking noise

 

HECTOR

Oh please, sit down.

Sit!

 

NICK

Stick to the script.

You smell so sweet.

 

HECTOR

Your ears are … blue, like the ocean.

 

NICK

Eyes, eyes!

 

[BRIDGET]

Are you a million-aire?

 

HECTOR

Psst, psst!

Am I a millionaire?

 

NICK

[Laughs]

Are you a millionaire?

Are you a millionaire? [Laughs]

Ha! We are millionaires!

 

BRIDGET and ANNIE

Good – good.

 

BRIDGET

Well you can pay for these then!!

 

ANNIE

If you please!!

 

Girls laugh

 

BRIDGET

Your faces!

We are the dancers …

 

ANNIE

From the cyber café!

 

BRIDGET

So you are millionaires, ay?

 

ANNIE

Oh what a trick to get girlfriends!

Millionaires, very funny!

 

BRIDGET

With fast cars!

 

NICK

[Laughs]

Good trick, ay!

 

HECTOR

But that is my car!

Ow!!!

 

BRIDGET

Oh, you smell so sweet!

 

ANNIE

And you do have beautiful eyes!

Or is it ears?

 

Sound of intercom buzzing

 

ANNIE

It’s the landlady!

 

NICK

I’m off!

 

BRIDGET

Quick, hide Hector!

Erm, in the bedroom!

 

HECTOR

Oh Bridget.

 

BRIDGET

 

HECTOR

Tell me.

What is a taxidermist?

 

BRIDGET

Oh!

 

COMMENTARY [v.o.]

Next time in EXTRA.

Hector wants to get a job.

Bridget and Annie have a surprise.

And guess who’s coming to dinner.

EXTRA – don’t miss it!

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